Ambassador Families

Grand Theft Childhood: Violence and Video Games

2008-09-12T10:44:00.007-04:00

Youth culture is changing at a dizzying pace. Many of us raising teens, for example, didn't grow up playing video games. We hear about murderers who played hours of games before setting out on a shooting spree and anxiously watch the backs of our sons heads. Should we let them play? Which games will damage them? How much is too much? Are they losing precious hours of childhood that should be spent instead on playing Kick the Can with the neighbor kids?

If you've asked yourself questions like these about your gaming teen, take heart from a new book, GRAND THEFT CHILDHOOD: THE SURPRISING TRUTH ABOUT VIDEO GAMES AND WHAT PARENTS CAN DO by Lawrence Kutner and Cheryl Olson (Simon & Schuster, 2008).

Kutner and Olson, cofounders and directors of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media, organized a $1.5 million federally funded study on the effects of video games. They gathered written surveys from more than 1,200 middle school students and over 500 parents, and interviewed dozens of teen and preteen boys and their parents. This book sums up their findings.

Why do kids love gaming so much? Kutner and Olson discovered that they game for the same reasons I play Scrabble on-line or you root for the Red Sox -- for excitement, escapism, and to relieve stress or boredom. Here's something else the researchers discovered that might be surprising: video games are an important social tool for young teen and tween guys:

Children viewed video game play as largely a social activity, not an isolating one. It did more than provide a topic of conversation; it provided a structure through multiplayer games in which they practiced and improved their verbal communication skills ... Two of the key tasks of adolescence are improving social skills and interpersonal communication ... the structure of the games allows them to test social boundaries and relationships in ways that they might not recover from as easily in face-to-face discourse.

Gaming connects them with their peers, giving them something to talk about. Interestingly, a total lack of exposure to video games was actually associated with getting bullied. But does that mean anything goes? Should we let them play as much as they want without any banning or limits? May it never be, as the apostle Paul once said, as do these Harvard educators. So what advice do they give to parents? In a concluding chapter, they echo what many of us have been harping about all along.

Stay involved in your child's gaming and on-line activities. By all means set boundaries and guidelines, but talk to your son as you do, which means learning some of the language he uses. Do you know the difference between a "first-person shooter" and a "third-person shooter"? Ask him if you don't. Use games to start conversations about the exploitation of women, gratuitous violence, racism, and even the arc of a hero's journey or the desire to protect and defend.

And here's an extra tip from me, learned at the University of Hard Knocks: watch your son play for a decent length of time, cheering him on in his quest, before saying anything about content. And don't let the discussion disintegrate into a one-way diatribe about demonic content. Key word: discuss. Family therapists use gaming to restore father-son relationships because it's the one place where a boy can be better than his Dad at something. It's a chance for them to teach us something for once.

The book closes by reminding us that gaming can provide insight into our child's real-world problems. They can be a place to notice a growing trend of anger, stress, boredom, or loneliness. And as a result, we can intervene with love and pray more specifically -- powerful age-old parental strategies that don't change over time.

Jordin Sparks Gets Salty At The VMAs

2008-09-09T09:16:00.011-04:00

If you want a taste of what it's like to be a teen, here's a tip: tune into MTV's Video Music Awards.

This year's host, Russell Brand, decided to take on the Jonas Brothers' pledge of purity -- a move that's been discussed by culture watchers throughout the media in the last couple of days.

The squeeze to laugh at meanness, to laud the culture's cynicism about faith, to enjoy watching someone labeled an "innocent" squirm at the hands of a "funny" bully -- our teens face that pressure every day in the halls of their schools, on the web, and everywhere else they assemble. Even at youth group on Sundays.

That's why I loved Jordin Sparks' feisty improvisational response to Brand's bad boy riff. "It's not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody, guy or girl, wants to be a slut," Sparks said, standing tall at the podium. Her tone rang with assurance, her expression stayed sweet, but she used tough, simple language that was easy to understand. And best of all, what she said was true.

The audience applauded. The host came out and apologized ... sort of. The handful of Sparks' peers trying desperately to avoid getting smashed by the express train of celebrity sat up a bit straighter.

Nineteen or twenty words. That's all it took to turn the tide.

As my high-schoolers, their buddy, and I witnessed the atmosphere in the theater change and felt our own hearts lighten, we talked about the power of truth. My prayer is that like Jordin Sparks, our teens will have the courage and skill to wield that weapon well.

Put Church on their College Applications

2008-08-19T13:07:00.007-04:00

I wasn't raised in the church -- I didn't become a follower of Jesus until I was nineteen years old. That's why I've marveled at the myriad of benefits my kids have enjoyed as they grow up in our church community's circle of love and support. Recently my gut observations were vindicated as University of Iowa researchers recently discovered that church attendance has as much effect on a teen's GPA as whether the parents earned a college degree.

The study identifies several reasons church-going students do better in school:

They have regular contact with adults from various generations who serve as role models.
Their parents are more likely to communicate with their friends' parents.
They develop friendships with peers who have similar norms and values.
They're more likely to participate in extracurricular activities.

One reason I'm a stickler about regular church attendance is because I didn't get these advantages. As our boys enter the later teen years, attending church and youth group is staying first on our rapidly shrinking list of non-negotiables.

Our goals? By the time they leave our nest, their relationships with adults and peers at church will be so tight that they'll want to come back every chance they get. And hopefully down the road they'll look for a similar type of faith circle where they choose to settle, because they'll see that the blessings don't stop coming -- even once you're done getting graded.

The Power of Ancient People

2008-05-13T10:45:00.004-04:00

One of my friends lives in a two-family house with her parents' half on the other side of a wall, a set-up that's fairly typical here in New England. When her teen sons used to come home after school, they'd ask, "What's for dinner?" If the answer wasn't to their liking, they'd pop next door to see what Grandma was cooking. Usually, my friend tells me, the food over there was better, the welcome more unconditional, the rules not as stiff, and the ambience twice as relaxing after a hard day of high school. Usually, they stayed next door.

My own parents are all the way on the other coast, but my seventy-something immigrant mother has mastered the art of instant messaging so that she and Dad can chat with our boys at least once or twice a day -- always at my sons' initiative, because one of their greatest delights is to imagine my parents using their mad one-fingered typing skills to send a blessing through cyber-space. "WAT R U COOKING 4 DINNER?" is a standard (albeit wistful, since they can't benefit so many miles away) question the boys use to start a cross-generational cyber conversation.

I was reminded on Mother's Day of the power of ancient people in proclaiming life-changing grace to young men and women when the boys took me to see Young@Heart, a magnificent film chronicling six weeks in the life of a senior choir. My favorite scene took place in a prison, where our valiant protagonists belted out a poignant, slow rendition of Bob Dylan's Forever Young to a group of young men who were already reaping the consequences of past mistakes. Listen to a part of the blessing those prisoners heard:

May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

As the old people sang, young faces softened and grew still with the intensity of listening and receiving. Why? For two reasons, I think. First, because the kindness of God leads to repentance, and second, because the messenger matters just as much as the message. A grizzled messenger who has lived and suffered many decades can speak a blessing with power that we middle-aged folks have yet to acquire. But our time is coming, sooner than we realize. And that's good news, because I'm often reminded by my parents that the real reason to have kids is to delight in the grandchildren.

Teens, Tunes, and Traveling Together

2008-04-02T16:50:00.004-04:00

Should I let my daughter download that song on iTunes? I can't understand a word from start to finish. What about that hip-hop radio station he loves? Should I ban it?

When parents ask questions like these, I can't offer definitive answers. So much depends on the particular teen and the state of the heart. But two lessons from my past have encouraged me to venture boldly with my sons into the realm of their generation’s music.

The first is not to fear. God already knows what’s out there, and is creative enough to use it in the divine pursuit of the human soul.

During my high school years, I memorized lyrics by musicians like the Beatles, Cat Stevens, the Who, and of course, the Rolling Stones. Later, while studying overseas in Europe, in the throes of a search for spiritual truth, I visited the site in Moscow where the Czar and his relatives had been brutally murdered. I’d been wrestling with the question of human suffering, but didn’t consider that a diabolical, personal enemy might be playing a significant role behind the scenes.

I wandered through the opulent galleries of the Hermitage in St. Petersburg, replete with art commandeered from the Hitler and the Nazis. Portrait after painting after mural depicted the suffering of Christ. One particular piece caught my eye — a rendition of Jesus agonizing in a garden. Instantly, the words to a Rolling Stones’ song sang through my mind: “I was around when Jesus Christ had his moments of doubt and pain. Killed the Czar and his ministers; Anastasia screamed in vain.” Sympathy for the Devil, the song was titled.

Suddenly, I was electrified by the possible existence of an evil tempter who delighted in human suffering — and especially in the suffering of one particular Man. While this example may sound trivial in the re-telling, I know that God was powerful enough to use Mick Jagger’s song in my journey of faith. The same can happen with today's music and this generation.

The second lesson is that regular parental companionship is crucial.

When I was about twelve, I was belting out a hit song in the shower: “Having my ba-a-aby. I’m a woman in love and I love what’s going through me. Having my ba-a-aby. What a lovely way to say how much you love me.” Paul Anka’s song was playing non-stop on the radio and the catchy tune engraved the words in my mind.

Leaving the bathroom, I overheard my parents talking (in Bengali, my mother tongue):

“What is this ‘having my baby’ song?”

“Oh my goodness. Do you think she knows about what she is singing?”

Mortified, I realized how the words of the song had sounded to my parents’ ears. I wasn’t having anybody’s baby, for goodness’ sake. Why, then, was I singing about it at the top of my lungs? Thanks to the magic of listening through my parent’s ears, I was confronted with the absurdity of one particular song’s lyrics.

As we accompany our children into the world of music, everybody's hearing is sharpened. Our presence in listening to their generation's music, perhaps even more than our opinions, provides clarity in their process of discernment. This means reading the lyrics on CD jackets, looking them up on the internet, and tuning into their radio station in the car -- even when they're not around. And talking about it.

Music is powerful, as Martin Luther noted:

For whether you wish to comfort the sad, terrify the happy, encourage the despairing, humble the proud, calm the passionate, or appease those full of hate — and who could number all these masters of the human heart, namely, the emotions, inclinations, and affections that impel men to evil or good? — what more effective means than music could you find?

So should you ban that radio station? I have no idea. But I can encourage you not to fear the unknown, because God can use all things for good purpose. I can also tell to travel with your teen as much as possible into pop culture. Where two or more are gathered in Jesus' name, He promises his company, too.

And who knows? You might even find yourself belting out some catchy new tune in the shower. A word of warning, though: once you start calling your wife "shorty" or "boo," you've gone too far. Your exasperated teen will be forced to rebel by downloading the Best of Bach.

Senator Obama's Speech and the Generational Divide

2008-03-24T12:30:00.004-04:00

Senator Obama's recent speech about race was an Emperor's New Clothes moment for our nation. A lot of Americans had been feeling pretty darn good about our progress in racial reconciliation, embodied by our first viable biracial presidential candidate. But this speech and the split reaction to it revealed the true condition of race relations in America: generally, white people still don't get how black people see things, as Nick Kristof eloquently argues.

That is, if we're over twenty-five or so.

Mr. Kristof's thesis might not hold as true for young Americans. Teens and twenty-somethings think and talk about race so differently that it's almost as if our country's divided by age instead of race. Granted, I live in Boston, which likes to think of itself as this society's hub but might actually be a strange little island unto itself. But tune in to the humor about race in youth culture, where the pain is processed in a raw, real way, proving perhaps that laughter can be good medicine. Meanwhile the majority in my generation secretly wonder if it isn't time to move "beyond the issue," while many older minorities can never think of racism is a joke.

Senator Obama tapped into those views when he told us earlier in the campaign that there's "no black America and no white America, only the United States of America." Most people my age seemed to like that. But in this recent speech, the Senator told the truth: there are still two ways of viewing history in the past and history in the making.

Barack Obama with his maternal grandparentsPhoto courtesy of the Munoz Family via Creative Commons
The pivotal moment in the speech was when he talked about his grandmother, Madelyn Dunham, pictured above, who is still alive and living in Hawaii:

[She is] a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves me as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of black men who passed by her on the street, and who on more than one occasion has uttered racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe.

In his book Dreams From My Father, he also told of his paternal grandfather who "didn't want the Obama blood sullied by a white woman." Why not quote them equally? Because the heart of the speech was to show that he gets how middle-aged and older blacks see things.

Ending with a story about a twenty-three year old white woman and an older black man coming together around his campaign, Senator Obama spoke to young people, repeating his hope that one day we might indeed move "beyond racism." But, as he reminded the whole nation, that day is not here yet. With new polls showing him falling behind, taking that risk could prove costly. Naming the naked Emperor makes an unseeing crowd feel foolish, and typically we take it out on the messenger.

Thankfully, a new generation is coming of age, my teens among them, so maybe the Senator's right. The phrase "racial reconciliation" might someday move from the oxymoronic to sounding anachronistic. This century, I pray our churches can speed the process instead of hindering it.

Unique to Books: Cogency and Privacy

2008-02-28T13:09:00.002-05:00

The argument for us glass-half-full types is that literacy isn't tanking at all. No, these days stories are morphing away from the printed page and emerging from other vessels like screens, or entering our souls through the ear rather than the eye. And it's not just teens -- I do more and more of my reading online and my consumption of podcasts is rising exponentially. We're reading, I scoff at the doomsayers, just differently, that's all.

But then I left my computer for ten days and discovered the truth of Howard Gardner's two sad postscripts in an otherwise upbeat take on literacy:

Two aspects of the traditional book may be in jeopardy, however. One is the author's capacity to lay out a complex argument, which requires the reader to study and reread, following a circuitous course of reasoning. The Web's speedy browsing may make it difficult for digital natives to master Kant's "Critique of Pure Reason" (not that it was ever easy). The other is the book's special genius for allowing readers to enter a private world for hours or even days at a time. Nowadays young people seem to have a compulsion to stay in touch with one another all the time; one of the dividends of book reading may fade away.

The latter gift of extended privacy, which I think comes more from fiction while the gift of cogency from non-fiction, is exactly what I enjoyed during my recent reading extravaganza -- each novel was a journey to another place and time, vacations within a vacation, solitude my soul relished even while enjoying time with family.

So now I'm wondering how my digitally native sons are losing out. Will their click-here-and-there minds lose the capacity to understand long, complex arguments? Will their facebooked souls know what to do with extended solitude? Or in the future will those particular skills become as anachronistic for young adults as classical rhetoric or knightly chivalry? And how will this literacy shift affect their reading of the Bible -- will they manage to grasp Paul's cogent arguments in the Book of Romans, for example, or take the solitude they need to meditate on the Psalms?

Vote For My Parental Unit!

2008-01-31T00:58:00.001-05:00

Why The Candidates’ Kids Matter

First Kid wannabes have been in the public eye like never before. Josh Romney drove through all 99 counties of Iowa in an RV to stump for his Dad. His brother Craig used fluent Spanish to voiceover a campaign ad about “papa.” Cate Edwards hit the trail diligently even though she was a busy second year Harvard Law student. Meghan McCain blogs and vlogs to connect the younger generation to her seventy-something father. And even the famously private Chelsea Clinton is taking a break from her hedge fund job to stump for Mom.

Americans are fascinated with the offspring of candidates for several reasons. First, nobody knows a person better than his or her kids. When Chelsea got choked up and admitted how proud she is of her mother, we believed her. A heartfelt endorsement from an adult child isn’t something you can buy. It’s something you earn after years of loving service and commitment.

Second, this campaign is turning out to be more cyber intense than even the geekiest pundit could have predicted. The twenty-something children of candidates have managed to connect and engage a web-savvy generation of voters. We tuned into Romney’s five sons’ updates, watched videos of Sarah Huckabee bragging about her father at Youtube, tracked Chelsea’s visits to college campuses, and read Meghan McCain’s posts about the campaign whirlwind -- along with her makeup tips.

Third, we want a President who can laugh. Nothing reveals a candidate’s sense of humor better than the good-natured banter that goes on between the generations. When Cate Edwards, responding to a question about her father’s good looks, joked about how dorky he is, we got that John Edwards didn't take himself too seriously. Even Emma Claire teased her father at an event by slyly saying she was going to vote for another candidate. And when Matt Romney staged a call to his father from the governor of California, Americans watched the video and laughed along.

Did this yen for connection with a candidate’s children hinder Rudy Giuliani, whose kids played it cool? Will it affect those with children too young to stump, like Barack Obama? Judging from the buzz and hype surrounding the more vocal young adult First Kid wannabes, a public cheer -- or some friendly teasing -- from a son or daughter can give any candidate’s campaign a boost.

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Mitali Perkins (mitaliperkins.com) is the author of two novels for teens about a candidate’s daughter, First Daughter: Extreme American Makeover and First Daughter: White House Rules (Dutton). Her main character, Sameera Righton, described by Publishers Weekly as “an intelligent, witty and prepossessed heroine,” is keeping track of the hype around the REAL First Kid wannabes at www.sparrowblog.com. To learn more about the books, visit firstdaughterbooks.com.

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Political Parenting

2008-01-29T19:29:00.000-05:00

Want to engage young adults in this election without losing your mind? Practice these five tips:

Be teachable. A conversation isn’t about one person sharing knowledge and information with another. That’s better known as a lecture. Listen to your kids, allowing them and others to inform your opinions.

Be honorable. It’s okay to take issue with a candidate’s positions, but disparaging his or her character is a definite turnoff to teens and twenty-somethings. To everyone, in fact.

Be flexible. Your candidate isn’t Jesus. Our sons and daughters appreciate hearing how we disagree with the person we support. Give them the grace to do the same, and don't take differing opinions personally. Endorsing another candidate doesn't mean he or she is repudiating you as parent.

Be controversial. Surprise and provoke your offspring once in a while by saying something radical, starting with “I totally disagree with _____” or “I 100% agree that ____.”

Be passionate. Caring deeply about an election is contagious. Young people who watch us thinking deeply and talking freely about our opinions will be more likely to do the same. And they’ll be more likely to vote now and in the future if they see us faithfully trekking to the ballot box during primaries and elections.

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Mitali Perkins (mitaliperkins.com) is the author of two novels about a candidate’s daughter, First Daughter: Extreme American Makeover and First Daughter: White House Rules (Dutton). Her main character, Sameera Righton, described by Publishers Weekly as “an intelligent, witty and prepossessed heroine,” is keeping track of the hype around the REAL First Kid wannabes at www.sparrowblog.com. To learn more about the novels, visit firstdaughterbooks.com.

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Parenting For Dummies: The Call To Do Nothing

2008-01-03T21:08:00.000-05:00

My teenager's math teacher called to warn us that our son might get an incomplete because of tardies.

"You could get them cleared up with a parent's note," she informed me, sounding like a recording. We live in a town where you can virtually hear the roar of parental heli-blades hovering over the heads of most of our high schoolers.

"No, thanks," I said. "He needs to learn to be on time."

The teacher was silent for a long minute. "I'm 100% supportive of that decision," she said, and her voice rang with conviction.

It's tough when our peers take moral shortcuts right and left to help their teens "succeed." To stand firm, we need to remember that suffering and failure can be phenomenal teachers. One great task of parents of young adults is to do nothing when they're in pain except stay beside them in silent prayer. And then cheer like crazy when and if they decide to totter back on the playing field, hopefully equipped with a bit more wisdom and strength.

Facebook Etiquette For Parents

2007-12-17T13:04:00.000-05:00

If your teen has "friended" you on Facebook, MySpace, or another social networking site, consider it a huge compliment, but tread carefully. Here are some dos and don'ts for parents of high-schoolers who've been given access to their teenager's site:

Don't leave reminders on his page about chores or homework. Tell yourself, refrain, desist, resist. Whatever it takes, because this is not the appropriate venue to remind him to brush his teeth after he eats his snack.
Do read, listen, and learn about her world, tastes, choice of friends. What a chance to find out a wealth of stuff about your teenager without interrogation or argument!
Don't post a dorky photo of yourself on your site. In fact, skip your own mug altogether and exploit a funny photo of your teen's favorite pet. Or stick to the default question mark. And don't post photos of your children on your site without their permission.
Do keep your own page updated and active, so that it doesn't look like your only raison d'être is to spy. You might find out that social networking can be fun, as more and more adults are connecting through the web these days.
Don't react to anything you find on his page with negative commentary or critique (see exception below).
If something does trouble you about your teen's page, wait for the right moment to ask about it. Start with something like: "So, what'd you think about that note X left on your wall?" or "Hey, I've never heard of that song (or movie or video game) before. What's so great about it?"

Remember, your son is giving you the same information he's giving his friends, and he's giving it freely. Abuse the privilege by using that information to manipulate, to share as gossip or joke fodder with your own friends, or as a source of parental lecture material, and you'll lose it in no time.

If you're not on your son or daughter's list of invited insiders, what are you waiting for? Set up a page of your own and once you have about ten other friends on your list, send a friend request to your teen. Then hold your breath and pray for the gift of an open door to her online presence. If it comes, give loud, vociferous thanks to God and a quiet, understated, two-day-later thanks to your teen. If it doesn't, wait for her "Mom, what are YOU doing on MySpace?" to start an interesting, new dialog about the Internet -- with the learning and listening going both ways, as usual.

Buy Nothing Friday

2007-11-21T17:07:00.001-05:00

The poet William Wordsworth put it well: "The world is too much with us; late and soon. Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers." This Thanksgiving Weekend, during what is usually the biggest shopping holiday of the year, people in as many as 65 countries will take part in the 15th annual Buy Nothing Day, a global fast from shopping. Why not join the bandwagon of resistance against one of the most insidious temptations in our culture? The lure to buy and own more stuff is so much a part of the way we operate that it's hard to see how it keeps us away from our true selves, one another, and our God.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to hurt retailers and those who work for them, but it's only been a few decades since blue laws kept us from buying and selling one day each week. Economists have yet to prove that one day off each week, let alone one day a year, can damage a healthy economy or ruin a good business. It's hard to say that to a small business owner who counts on Black Friday for a significant part of his revenue, but maybe Buy Nothing Day requires a riskier sister phenomenon called Sell Nothing Day, during which all of us trying to "get and spend" take a break and focus on gratitude.

Sex Ed: Why We Opted Out

2007-09-18T09:45:00.000-04:00

I'm not usually the type to ban or censor or separate. My "ambassador" philosophy is to travel together with our teenagers into almost every arena of culture, listening, teaching, discussing, praying, discerning. That's probably why it wasn't an easy decision to opt them out of the freshman health and sexuality class required by their high school. After all, several families of faith told us the class was "no big deal." As one parent said, the subject matter gave them even more opportunity to discuss issues relating to sexuality. But three realities informed our decision to opt out.

First, ninth grade is hard enough. During a developmental period when being like everybody else is a driving emotional need, how many fourteen-year-olds enjoy being in a context where their differences are underlined? By the time teens are juniors or seniors, we can expect the emergence of the strong sense of self needed to dress, act, and think independently. But the pressure on freshmen at school to conform is immense, and most fourteen-year-olds don't have the guts to go public with fledgling beliefs. Especially if a teacher and the majority of other students might label those emerging convictions as prudish or wrong. Why put our sons in a position to be challenged before they're mature enough to stand up for themselves?

Second, they're already informed. In my family of origin, where sex was never discussed, I was grateful for teachers who told me about menstruation, pregnancy, human development. But that was twenty-five years ago, when the "facts of life" were still mostly spoken about in whispers and pseudonyms. Our sons were raised in a home where discussions about sex commenced at an early age, mostly in response to a sex-saturated culture. In music, on television, in films, in books, on the news, in our home and at church, different views of sexuality have been and continue to be the topic of conversations galore. The boys don't need to head to the local drugstore with their classmates to buy condoms (a course assignment); that aisle has already served as the venue of several spirited family discussions.

Third, one of the class goals is to alleviate discomfort in talking about sex, but the truth is that the subject matter is funny, and wonderful, and well, just plain strange. In our company, the boys could giggle about the names of the different condoms even as they raised questions. At school, they might not feel free to joke or chuckle over anything related to sex for fear of being perceived as "hateful" or "sexist." Let's face it, none of us could have invented the nuts and bolts of procreation -- the universal responses to discovering how babies are made have always been laughter, shock, and awe. Doesn't a matter-of-fact, academic approach strip away some of the wonder, shifting sex from the realm of the marvelous into the mundane and pedestrian? The course syllabus doesn't include Song of Solomon in the list of required reading. And embarrassment is a natural response, too, though perhaps not an ideal one. Humans throughout history and across cultures have tried to cover some or all of our sexual parts, and the few exceptions only prove the rule. Yes, the church has been guilty of generating unnecessary, destructive shame, but the school's well-meaning attempt to eradicate it altogether is about as effective as a fig leaf.

In the course of making our decision, I stumbled across a New York Times article published in 1999 by Wendy Shalit, author of Girls Gone Mild: Young Women Reclaim Self-Respect and Find It's Not Bad to Be Good (Random House, June 2007). Shalit, a self-described feminist whose Jewish parents opted her out of sex ed in elementary school and beyond, wrote these words when she was twenty-three years old:

In retrospect I can see that, more than anything else, it is the fact that I escaped sex education which separates me most from other kids my age. It doesn't matter whether they're liberal or conservative -- if they're around my age and they've had my generation's sex education, it's very hard for us to understand each other in some fundamental way ... The mindset that concerns me is not political but cultural. Anyone who's been through the mill of my generation's sex education has trouble understanding why I'm concerned about the things I'm concerned with -- indeed, to have my kind of concerns, I'm told, is "unhealthy" -- and I for my part cannot understand how they can be so unconcerned, so cavalier. When I hear the words that they use, "hang-ups," "hook-ups," "check-ups," for example, it's as if we lived in different worlds.

"Usually when adults start shoving condoms in our faces," Shalit concludes, "we would much prefer to giggle." By opting out of sexual education at school, we're giving our ninth graders the space to giggle, and marvel, and question. We're also not squirming out of the hot seat, which is the rightful place for parents whether we home school or enroll our kids in public or private schools. No matter how much they've learned before adolescence, it's our job to teach our teenagers about healthy sex -- and love -- in a society where people are trashed by abuse, lies, and exploitation. God be with us as we do.

Parenting Well Behind Their Backs

2007-09-08T10:44:00.000-04:00

I'm at a church barbecue chatting with another parent. He doesn't want to confess the pain over the growing intimacy gap between him and his daughter, and so he resorts to a joke ... with an edge.

"Hey, you've got sons," he tells me. "That's easy. Try talking to a human hormone machine instead. The Little Diva's refusing to go to the annual Father-Daughter dance with me this year. She threw a fit about it last night."

I don't laugh. Why do we say something negative about our teen to a peer that we'd never say to our child's face? To diminish hurt over rejection? To minimize a fear of failing at the vocation of parenting? Or maybe we sense hatred in our hearts, and those sappy commercials tell us we're supposed to feel tender and affectionate -- all the time.

I'm not saying that joking can't lighten the burden of parenting, but slander never works. Confession, however, does.

"My heart's aching because my daughter and I aren't as close as we used to be."

"I'm terrified that he's turning away from God."

"I don't like my teen at all these days. Please pray like mad for an outpouring of supernatural love."

And for those of us who prefer dry humor to passionate outpourings, self-deprecatory comedy can serve as the chosen vehicle for confession.

Take stock of your recent conversations with other parents. How we talk about our children when they aren't around is a litmus test of the relationship. If you've been "joking" about teenagers, or about adolescence, or even about your particular child, what's really going on?

Why Tweens Need High School Musical 2

2007-08-23T23:42:00.000-04:00

As Zac Efron danced around the New Mexico rocks and sang his revelation that relationships and integrity are more important than racing hard after future success, I caught myself cheering wildly. Not out loud, mind you; parental silence is golden when a cultural icon is teaching a life lesson so nicely.

In Disney's made-for-television smash movie success, High School Musical 2, the main character's remorse over his bad choices is downright prophetic these days. Thanks to us, some of our kids and their classmates are so obsessed with the future that they forfeit the particular joy, health, fun, rest, and friendships that only come with being young and not in want. No wonder American tweens and teens responded to the story penned by Peter Barsocchini (who used to produce the Merv Griffin show and is writing High School Musical 3, scheduled for release as a full-length feature film.) You go, Disney and Mr. Barsocchini, and thank you; I'll stop griping about the High School Musical franchise now.

Surf's Up: The Joy of Sport

2007-06-18T19:12:00.000-04:00

We live in a neighborhood where trophies abound on shelves, first-graders wait for spots to open in soccer leagues, and top-notch public high schools send a steady stream of jocks to Ivy League colleges. That might be why our family loved Sony's animated movie Surf's Up.

The film uses the power of good storytelling to remind us that sports were created primarily for fun and friendship, not triumphs and trophies. A fun, witty, well-edited hero's journey, Surf's Up features the voice talents of Shia LaBeouf and Jon Heder, making it a PG movie that works for the whole family -- even the deluded teen who's convinced that a "cool" movie has to have a PG-13 rating.

Photo Source: idealterna

American Idol Showcases Paternal Love

2007-05-24T12:05:00.000-04:00

Hats off to Phillippi Sparks and Dallas Lewis, who modeled the power of loving, committed fathering for the whole nation during this season's American Idol. They've each been married to the same woman for years, Sparks to his wife Jodi and Lewis to his wife Dinah. The Sparks still attend Calvary Community Chapel in Phoenix, the church where they were married, and also demonstrate the beauty of their strong, interracial marriage to a nation still wrestling with the evil of racism.

Jesus Followers and Pop Culture: Separate or Permeate?

2007-05-23T14:25:00.000-04:00

It started way back when with a debate about faith-based education versus public schools. Bit by bit, we set up the parallel universes of Christian music, television, radio, books, and magazines, followed more recently by a fledgling attempt at creating "faithful" movie companies. This separate-but-never-equal trend continues on the Internet, where the success of any site in the world spawns a "Christian, safer, friendlier" version, like conservapedia (vs. Wikipedia), or zigvid (vs. YouTube), and now social networking sites like Xianz (vs. MySpace and Facebook).

As parents of faith, we're often warned to keep our kids safely within such church-generated places, whether real or virtual, but is that how they'll learn to exert influence and represent our King? Let's go back to the ancient advice in the book of Proverbs instead, where we're instructed to "train up our child in the way he should go." This means knowing whether our child is able to be a diplomat in difficult places, or if he'll be tempted to revoke his Kingdom citizenship and run for the hills.

A handful of brave young people are able to shine like beacons in the most stressful of arenas; some need a watchful eye as they travel here and there; a few require constant parental companionship; and at the far end of the spectrum, other lambs must never step foot in certain places (which, for a certain kind of person, might even bear a Christian label). It's up to us to discern the state of our children's hearts. God be with us as we do.

Presidential Candidates as Parents

2007-05-14T13:09:00.000-04:00

We debate about a presidential candidate's faith, but what about his or her family life? Is it important to you that your next President has a solid marriage? Good relationships with his/her children? Is there a correlation between good parenting and strong leadership in the White House?

To engage teens in the '08 presidential campaign, Sameera Righton, a.k.a. Sparrow, the main character of my two forthcoming young adult novels, First Daughter: Extreme American Makeover (Dutton / June 2007) and First Daughter: White House Rules (Dutton / June 2008), is blogging (positively) about the real First Kid wannabes and their parents at www.sparrowblog.com. I'm hoping that young people will enjoy her take because like many of them, Sameera can't vote but still wants to make a difference.

I'm also quite curious about the candidates' track record in the home, as my instinct tells me that if you want the measure of a person, watch how s/he treats his mother, spouse, and kids.

Verbal Sticks and Stones

2007-05-04T14:19:00.000-04:00

The word of the day from Urban Dictionary is "butterfaith," a noun derived from the slang insult for a girl with a great figure but an ugly face (butterface). If your daughter gets called "butterfaith," it means that guys think she's "a girl who's fun, intelligent, beautiful, perfect in every way... except she's devoutly religious." That wouldn't be a bad name compared to some of the others teen girls hear on a regular basis at school. In fact, being teased is their number one worry. Arm your daughter with the truth and some practical advice, and try and make sure that insults and name-calling don't happen at home, which should be a haven from slander and malice. The truth is that words wound, and the tongue is a fire.

GodTube and Conservapedia

2007-04-09T13:21:00.000-04:00

GodTube (the YouTube Christian alternative) and Conservapedia (the evangelical version of Wikipedia) have been making the news. I understand the motives behind the creation of these kinds of sites, but worry that (a) pop culture is defining the church once again instead of vice a versa, and (b) Christians are pulling out of two of the most popular communally-created sites on the web instead of staying put to represent Jesus. What do you think?

Finding Clean Reads For Teens

2007-03-29T13:17:00.000-04:00

Fed up with stumbling across racy scenes in novels, a mother-cum-blogger named Emily is starting a communal blog to review and recommend "deliciously clean reads" for kids and adults alike. Go have a look and contribute -- the site's just getting underway. Here is her list of other places where you may, in partnership with your teen and by exercising your own savvy, find good books for teens:

Source: Deliciously Clean Reads

Dressing Up For Church: Trolls and Truth

2007-03-26T12:39:00.000-04:00

"Go right back upstairs and put on collared shirts."

That used to be my boring Sunday morning mantra until I read Trolls and Truth (New Hope, September 2006) by Jimmy Dorrell, pastor of the The Church Under The Bridge in Waco, Texas. The book should have come with a warning label: "If you don't want to be confronted with prophetic truths spoken by the poor to comfortable churches and people, don't open this."

Founded in 1992 as a Bible Study with five homeless men, the The Church Under The Bridge now draws 300 people of many races and economic backgrounds who meet outside under the same interstate bridge each week. Dorrell tells the stories of some of these changed lives to remind us of 14 realities in Jesus' upside-down Kingdom, giving fresh, revolutionary meanings to words we take for granted like "family," "giving," "work," "friendship," and "worship."

Book in hand, I approached our teen sons about our on-going tussle over what they should to wear to church.

"I've always thought it's important to honor God by wearing our nicest clothes on Sunday," I said. "But listen to this quote: 'When asked why they don't go to church, poor people list clothes as the number one reason.' What do you think about that?"

"So if we dress up, we might make people who can't buy clothes feel unwelcome?" one of my sons asked thoughtfully. I could almost hear the background noise of wheels spinning inside his brain ... and heart.

"Maybe."

"So you're saying we've been right and you've been wrong?" The other one asked. He looked shocked.

"Maybe. But it's more about why we're wearing the clothes, not the clothes themselves. I need to ask if I've been dressing our family to impress others. And you should probably ask if you've been dressing to indulge yourselves. Both of us would be wrong."

When they came down the next Sunday, one son was dressed in his everyday faded-cargo-pants-and-sweatshirt ensemble. "I'm thinking about the poor, Mom," he told me, grinning.

The other was in a collared shirt. "Let's go," was all he said. "We're going to be late."

For once, I didn't say anything. Trust me, there might more changes to come for the Perkins family, because you can't listen to prophets like the ones in this book without "acknowledging the hardening process that our sin and culture have on us," and asking God to transform your status quo.

Youth Specialties, Racism, and Facing the Pain

2007-03-07T15:38:00.000-05:00

The Christian organization Youth Specialties this week modeled how to confess and turn away from prejudice, even when it's costly and more tempting to let things ride. Other Christian organizations and churches should take note of this heartfelt, humble example of listening to our brothers and sisters, especially when it comes to issues of race.

Why Teens Need Memoir: Left To Tell

2007-03-01T09:10:00.000-05:00

This generation of young people is starved for the stories of older survivors. They've been cheated. They've had no equivalent of the village gathering around a fire to recount fearsome accounts of fighting off lions. Most don't live near extended family, so they don't get to relax on front porches with icy glasses of lemonade to laugh with uncles or grandmothers recalling younger versions of themselves back in the day.

That's why I want to recommend Left To Tell, Immaculee Ilibagiza's memoir of survival and devastation during the Rwandan holocaust in 1994. The power of this starkly honest story is that it doesn't leave the reader fearful and devastated. As Immaculee's tender, tough voice recounts her suffering, teens will realize that they, too, can receive grace to confront and endure evil without succumbing to it. They, too, can even experience the amazing power to forgive those who inflict evil.

In a culture where vengeance, violence, and suffering can devastate a high school or middle school community, and where lifestyles of self-indulgence and entitlement are flaunted and celebrated, teens need true stories of forgiveness, sacrifice, courage, and survival. Watch the movie Hotel Rwanda with your high schoolers. And let them read this story that Imaculee believes she was Left To Tell.

Katherine Paterson on Faith, Fiction, and Film

2007-02-15T09:09:00.000-05:00

Check out an interview with Katherine Paterson at Christianity Today where she reveals her thoughts about the upcoming film from Disney and Walden Media based on her book, A Bridge To Terabithia, her son's writing of the screenplay, the infamous preview, and faith and writing in general. An excerpt from the interview:

Christianity Today: There's a trend lately to provide books and films for Christian audiences that are "safe for the whole family." Perhaps your books have been challenged because they're not necessarily "safe" for children. What do you make of the idea that children's books should be "safe"?

Paterson: Well, don't give them the Bible, then, because it's certainly not a safe book. Safety and faith are different things. If you want everything to be safe, then you can probably just totally do without the imagination. If you're so afraid of your imagination that you stifle it, how are you going to know God? How can you imagine heaven?

Red and Yellow, Black and White

2007-02-13T11:34:00.000-05:00

You remember the song ... red and yellow, black and white ... they are precious in His sight ... Jesus loves the little children of the world. Sadly, humanity doesn't come close to demonstrating or celebrating such color-blind love.

I recently bought a 7-minute film written and directed by a sixteen-year-old filmmaker, Kiri Davis, and produced by Media Matters. Be prepared. It may not be comfortable to watch, but we must face the truth about racism if we hope to engage a generation that is grappling with it in a new way.

Bon Voyage, Rickshaw Girl

2007-01-30T12:26:00.000-05:00

Some of my ambassador families blog visitors may not realize that along with being a mother of teens and a pastor's wife, my other full-time vocation is writing fiction for teens and tweens. Now you know why I have such dark circles under my eyes, right?

I'm happy to announce the release of my third novel for young readers, Rickshaw Girl (Charlesbridge). Unlike the first two books, which were for teens, this one's for kids ages 7-11. So ... if you're near Boston, Massachusetts or in the San Francisco Bay Area, you're cordially invited to one of my book launch events:

Saturday, February 3rd at 3 p.m. at Wellesley Booksmith, 82 Central Street, Wellesley, Ma (781) 431-1160.

Saturday, February 10th at 10:00 a.m. at Towne Center Books, 555 Main St., Pleasanton, Ca (925) 846-8826.

Sunday, February 11th at 4 p.m. at Cody's Books, 1730 4th St., Berkeley, Ca (510) 559-9500.

I’ll be reading from and signing copies of Rickshaw Girl at all three events. As a California-added bonus, my mother, Madhusree Bose, will be joining me for alpana drawing demonstrations. And in Wellesley, Charlesbridge is serving up chai and samosas, and you might get to draw your own alpanas with sidewalk chalk. If you can't make it (okay, I get that it's a four-day drive from Mississippi), you're welcome to download a classroom discussion guide, an excerpt, and a Q&A about why I wrote Rickshaw Girl, as well as read a bunch of reviews. Thanks for your support and prayers!

Go, Little Miss Sunshine!

2007-01-25T13:10:00.000-05:00

My son gave me a DVD for Christmas -- one that he knew I would love. This was unusual because he so rarely hears me rave about a contemporary movie, especially one rated R (for language, some sex and drug content). But I enjoyed Little Miss Sunshine thoroughly, and am delighted that it's been nominated for an Academy Award in the best picture category. (The show airs on February 25, 2007, and once again I invite you to join me in my second annual praying the Oscars extravaganza.)

Here are three of my favorite scenes in Little Miss Sunshine, pivotal moments when so-called "losers" make winning choices:

Dwayne, the teenaged son, after his dream of being a fighter pilot is dashed, breaks a nine-month vow of silence to scream obscenities and insults at his family. "Leave me alone! I'm not getting in that van with you LOSERS!" he shouts (my paraphrase). But as soon as his little sister Olive walks across a field to join him in his pain and silently puts her arm around him, he gets up. "Let's go," he says, helping her up the hill to where his parents, uncle, and grandfather are waiting. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I was wrong."

When the entire crowd of pageant organizers and attendees are shouting at Richard to get his daughter off the stage, he glances back and forth between them and his daughter before deciding to join Olive and throw himself into in her dance. Ironically, Olive doesn't realize in the least that her dance is sexualized or inappropriate -- she's dancing joyously, like a child, while the other contestants, despite their "cute" talent offerings, are eerily dressed and made up to resemble adult women.

When Richard's dream of landing a book deal is dashed, his profane, porn-and-crack addicted father climbs up from the back of the van to put one hand on his son's shoulder. "I'm proud of you, Richard," he says (my paraphrase again). "You tried. And so many people don't even do that." Richard, who is obviously tense and resistant to any condolences, visibly melts as he squeezes his Dad's hand.

I watched the movie with my teens, fast-forwarding through one or two brief scenes, and we talked about how it poses one of humanity's central questions: "Am I a loser?" And, as the film so beautifully demonstrates, the answer isn't as simple as our culture tries to make it.

Last but not least, Little Miss Sunshine provides us with a brilliant metaphor for the church -- a broken-down van full of people who look like losers at first glance but who have you cheering for them wholeheartedly until the end of the story.

The Melancholy of Parenting Teens

2007-01-09T21:42:00.000-05:00

If you find yourself slumped on the couch clutching an ancient McDonald's Happy Meal toy and staring off into the distance, you've got it.

If, while dusting, you stop to gaze intently at a small grinning face in a homemade popsicle-stick frame, you've got it.

If you flip the radio station violently away from the oldies station playing Harry Chapin's classic "Cat's In The Cradle," you've got it for sure.

I call it Parental Melancholia.

The primary symptom is a twist of sadness that takes your breath away and makes you lose your balance. It comes with the realization that ... they're done with childhood. Those days of diapers and midnight feeds took place a decade and a half ago; the only sleepless nights you endure now are when you worry uselessly over their driving, dating, debt, or discipleship habits.

It's okay to grieve our losses, however small, and that includes saying farewell to our children's childhood. Gerard Manley Hopkins expressed the desolation we feel about the relentless passage of time in his classic poem, Spring and Fall:

Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sorrow's springs are the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.

But that's what parenting over the long haul's all about, isn't it? Easing yourself out of the way so that Margaret turns to Jesus when she mourns.

The Way To A Teen's Heart ...

2007-01-03T18:04:00.001-05:00

... is definitely still through his stomach.

During holiday visits, our sons devour their grandmothers' cooking, whether it be chicken curry (my mother's) or turkey and cranberry sauce (my mother-in-law's). But lately, I've been noticing that the boys' interest extends beyond the product to the process -- they hover around watching spices being ground (by my mother) or gravy being stirred on the stove (by my husband's mother). They chat, tease their grandmothers, argue over ingredients, chop, and sample, and both kitchens steam with congenial, intergenerational company.

Apparently, my kids aren't alone -- their entire generation is into the old-fashioned preparation of hearty meals. According to an article in Businessweek magazine, I Want My Food Network, more and more young people are tuning into culinary shows:

Young girls seem to be cooking more than the previous generation did. Trendspotters say the organic craze, as well as all the talk about an obesity epidemic, is prompting many youngsters to take responsibility for eating better. "They're making decisions in grocery stores," says Laura Caraccioli-Davis, who runs the entertainment marketing division at Starcom, a Chicago media-buying firm. "There's a lot of talk about health and wellness among kids." College guys, meanwhile, scan cooking shows to pick up tips to impress dates. "Any time a girl sees guys cooking something delicious," says Kates, "it definitely helps out."

But the popularity of the Food Network among young adults doesn't stem only from health concerns -- it's also about the women hosting the show:

How to account for the younger generation's abiding interest in all things culinary? Putting engaging hosts on the screen is a major part of it.

As I watched my sons banter with their grandmothers, I can see them reveling in the cooking, the eventual consumption of delectable dishes, and the company. Bottom line, in my opinion: a celebrity host on the little screen, no matter how engaging (or scantily-clad), can't compete with the actual presence of a delighted grandmother hosting you in her kitchen.

Five GREAT Websites For Parents of Teens

2006-12-21T17:14:00.000-05:00

As my Christmas present to you, I give you five websites that every parent of teenagers or tweens should bookmark (listed in no particular order):

Pluggedinonline: The informative reviews of movies, games, and music on this Focus on the Family site are timely and empowering. (Tip: Order the print magazine for you and your older teens and and talk about whether or not you agree with the reviews.)
Center for Parent and Youth Understanding: Founder Walt Mueller's compassionate heart for young people is evident in all the resources and reflections provided on this site. (Tip: Subscribe to Engage, The Journal of Youth Culture and order all of Walt's books, including his newest release, I Want To Talk With My Teen About Music, Movies, and More.)
Youth Specialties: Established by the late Mike Yaconelli for youth workers, the site has wonderful articles about the spiritual formation of teens. (Tip: Sign up for their free YS e-updates and read Messy Spirituality by Mike Yaconelli)
Understanding Your Teenager: Turn to Wayne Rice's excellent advice when you're stuck in a parental rut.
Ypulse: I know it's primarily for secular marketing types, but Anastasia Goodstein's daily take on youth culture is a rich source of information for savvy parents, as is her partner site about teens online written especially for parents, Totally Wired.

Reality Television and Authentic Faith

2006-12-15T10:47:00.000-05:00

No wonder our family enjoys reality shows like American Idol or Little People, Big World. The Parents Television Council's new study, Faith in a Box 2005-2006, is a review of how religion is portrayed on prime time broadcast television. One of their findings was about reality television:

Reality shows are more positive towards religion: The format of the program was a significant factor in the portrayal which religion received. A majority (57.8%) of the positive portrayals of religion were to be found on reality programs. By contrast, an overwhelming percentage (95.5%) of the negative portrayals of religion came from such Hollywood-scripted drama and comedy programs; only 4.5% of negative portrayals of religion were found on reality shows.

Examples in the report include:

Cindy Teas, who started a summer camp for handicapped children, states: “I thought about how many times I felt like God held my hand and walked me through this walk of faith…and there were all those little hands I’ve had the opportunity to hold.” (ABC, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition October 16, 2005)
Dunstin, who is suffering from cancer, says: “I just trust in the Lord to take care of my children and family…Sometimes you wonder, why me? But then…you give thanks to the Lord, pray, and move on.” (ABC, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, March 19, 2006)
P. Miller says: “You gotta pray and you gotta thank The Man up above for just givin’ you the opportunity to do some of the things that you wanna do.” Miller and his dance partner Ashly are shown holding hands in prayer before their dance performance. Both say “Amen” at the conclusion of their prayer. (ABC, Dancing with the Stars, January 27, 2006)
Danni leads her group in prayer to Jesus, giving thanks for their meal. (CBS, Survivor: Guatemala, October 13, 2005)
Mandisa tells Simon Cowell that she has forgiven him for his rude remarks about her weight because of the grace she was given through Jesus Christ. (Fox, American Idol, February 15, 2006)
Melony states: “I’ve been blessed to still be alive this year, and God gave me life. He gave me another chance, and I’m going to live and live it healthy!” (NBC, The Biggest Loser, January 4, 2006)
Carly, who was diagnosed with a brain tumor when she was four years old but recovered, says: “A lot of people prayed for me and I think that really helped me.” (NBC, Three Wishes, September 30, 2005)
The Weaver family prays and asks God to keep them safe. Mrs. Weaver is heard in voice-over stating that it was the family’s relationship with God that enabled the family to get through her husband’s death. Throughout the episode Mrs. Weaver prays for help in accomplishing her tasks. (CBS, The Amazing Race: Family Edition, September 27, 2005)

Brent Bozell, President of PTC, finds this ironic:

"...(In) reality shows such as Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and The Amazing Race, where real characters freely express themselves, faith and religion are positively portrayed. But in scripted shows, where Hollywood writers express their worldviews, faith and religion become four letter words – to the tune of 95.5% negative portrayals. This is an industry that is completely out of touch with reality."

I'm not so sure he's right about that last statement. After all, producers edit reality television for public consumption, and the references to faith cited above could have been cut. They could have been used to denigrate the characters rather than endear them to the viewing audience. But they weren't. Could profit-driven Hollywood actually be responding to the spiritual hunger for authenticity in our culture by shifting positive expressions of faith into reality television? As Anastasia Goodstein of Ypulse puts it:

(Young people are)... more cynical when it comes to marketers' motivations, more savvy about what is authentic or cool or offers real value, and a much tougher audience to reach in general. There's just so much noise.

Is it any wonder, then, that our culture prefers a simple declaration of faith from people of genuine faith to a slick, scripted profession articulated by writers and actors who don't believe a word of it?

The Nativity Story: Romance 101 For Teens

2006-12-11T09:36:00.000-05:00

If you haven't yet taken your teens to see The Nativity Story, you're missing a superb teachable opportunity. We dragged our boys to the theater on Friday, even though they didn't really want to go (negotiations included their choice of restaurant afterwards), and I was so grateful that we'd chosen to fight this particular parent-offspring battle.

The character of Joseph provides a role model of nobility and character rarely seen in today's teen boy culture. In contrast to the mooks, geeks, and sex-obsessed studs in other movies, director Catherine Hardwicke's Joseph serves, protects, provides for, encourages, and honors the object of his affection. And the movie's strong and courageous Mary comes to love, respect, and admire him, along with most of the teen and tween girls watching, I'm sure.

As he portrayed Joseph in the movie, talented Guatemalan-born actor Oscar Isaac came to realize the importance of humility in both romantic love and in the love of God, as he revealed in an interview with Rebecca Murray:

...(The movie) is this big epic journey with this kind of little intimate love story. It's kind of the story of how these two people that are forced together — I guess one more than the other — how they ultimately become a family. I think that in itself is a fantastic story. Also, the fact that it's about humility and it's about love ... that God decides to come to earth to the most ostracized and oppressed of people — particularly two people who are ostracized by their own community in the little hick town of Bethlehem — in a cave, I think that's what the message is. It's not the powerful and the rich and the proud that are exalted, but the humble and those that act out of love that God exalts.

As I watched the love story of Joseph and Mary unfold, I was reminded that the feminine heart is still hungry to be cherished, and the masculine heart designed to offer sacrificial love, despite what the culture teaches about male-female relationships. And God continues to call young men and women to great things, serving side by side to play key roles in an epic, dangerous, world-changing Story. This movie will help our teens to see where their instincts are right, and where the culture, as they might put it, is just plain "messed up."

A Friend At Midnight: Good Teen Read

2006-12-05T10:49:00.000-05:00

When my novel for teens, Monsoon Summer, was released a couple of years ago, I drove down to New York to meet with my editor at Random House. (After enduring years of rejection, this was a thrilling event, I must confess.) Overwhelmed by their lavish downtown Manhattan high-rise building and the bestsellers prominently displayed around the elegant offices, I felt extremely insignificant as I was ushered in to meet the publisher of the children's book division.

"Do you do any other kinds of writing?" she asked, after she had made me feel welcome and we had exchanged the usual pleasantries.

I cleared my throat. "Ahh .... yes," I said. "I write for Christian markets. Mostly about parenting."

"Oh!" she said, taken aback. But then she recovered brilliantly. "One of my longstanding authors for teens has just taken a huge risk at expressing her faith in a manuscript I just read. She's been extremely popular for a couple of decades, but this is the first time she's actually made God one of the characters in her book. And a key mover in the plot."

At the time, I didn't know which author she was talking about, but I remembered that conversation when I stumbled across this quote in a review about Caroline B. Cooney's newest book, A Friend At Midnight:

I heard Cooney talk about this book at a library conference. She commented (I paraphrase here) that there is an unspoken rule in mainstream YA publishing that you do not write about religion or faith. She is very active in her own church, has been all her life, and knowing that there are teens who are similarly involved, decided it was worth exploring as a YA novel. She was pleased when she learned the book was going to be released through two Random House divisions, WaterBrook (religious) AND Delacorte.

Melody Carlson, popular author of many teen novels, says,"A Friend at Midnight is the BEST teen novel I've ever read." This Christmas, why not give your daughter the gift of a good read and show Random House that they made an excellent marketing move when they supported Cooney's desire to express her faith through fiction? Note to hubby: put A Friend At Midnight under the tree for me, please.

Hooked on Heroes

2006-11-29T10:48:00.000-05:00

It's no wonder teens like mine are devouring NBC's hit show. I'm addicted, too, despite my low tolerance for violence on the screen. I watch because (a) well, it's good entertainment, and (b) Heroes highlights so much of what I celebrate about this generation of teens:

Their relaxed take on interracial relationships. There's the lovable Japanese guy and sweet Southern redhead, the Italian-American hospice nurse and his elegant biracial-ish lady, and the violent, gorgeous blonde mother, her African-American husband, and their mixed-race child. Best of all, you don't even notice the different hues of skin as you watch these characters struggle through or enjoy their relationships.

Their realistic grasp of human nature. As noted by Matthew Gilbert of the Boston Globe, this cast of imperfect heroes have weaknesses that are the shadow side of their strengths:

One of the brilliant strokes in creator Tim Kring's "Heroes" concept is that some of the superpowers are extensions of character. Nathan Petrelli is a dodgy person, and so he can literally fly out of bad situations. Niki Sanders is at war with herself, and when she looks in the mirror she actually sees a demon glaring back. Claire is the dearest of them all, though, as an intrepid teenager who adapts and recovers despite the psychological and physical blows the world throws at her...

And in keeping with this power-made-perfect-in-weakness motif, the most recent episode revealed that the cop with the power to read minds has dyslexia.

Their passion to be part of a grand, noble mission. These characters must unite to "save the cheerleader," but even more important, they are called to use their gifts to "save the world."

Their understanding of the deep bonds formed through adoption. Clare's father will apparently do anything to protect his non-biological and extremely beloved daughter.

Despite everything that's happened during the lifetime, their persistent openness to foreigners. A gorgeous, intelligent Indian guy (finally, a South Asian hero for my brown boys) attempts to bring these heroes together and make peace with his dead father and sister (named "Shanti," or peace).

Consider tuning into this show, perusing the graphic novels, or catching the episodes you've missed on-line, especially if you're called to the grand mission of serving and loving teenagers.

ILU: Text Message Your Teen

2006-11-17T19:55:00.000-05:00

Apparently teens prefer text messaging over email, so if you want to send a love note to your teen, you'd better get somewhat conversant in the shorthand. And to translate her answer into something you can understand, use this handy dandy slang translator, or take this quiz to gauge your current fluency (Source: Anastasia Goodstein, Totally Wired).

Know His Stuff: PSII vs. Wii, Zune vs. iPod

2006-11-14T16:27:00.000-05:00

Want to show your son that you care about his world? Check out this nice summary about a new generation of gaming consoles just released this week and talk over the pros and cons of each system with him. Or if he's more into music than gaming, read about how Microsoft's trying to lure iPod users over to the new Zune MP3 player. Oh, and don't forget to ask what he thinks -- guys of all ages crave that question, and love it when we really listen to their answers.

The Absolute Ethics of Pop Culture

2006-11-08T12:16:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of the moaning and groaning I hear in the church about how our culture has become amoral and unethical. It's simply not true. I won't argue against the undeniable fact that most people are biblically illiterate, but some Judeo-Christian values still define western culture. This core of shared belief is revealed when we consider the plight of unfortunates who have been widely vilified, rightfully or wrongfully:

Thou Shalt Not Lie (James Frey).
Thou Shalt Not Steal. (Kaavya Viswanathan).
Thou Shalt Not Slander. (Tom Cruise).
Thou Shalt Not Secretly Despise Those You Claim To Love (Mel Gibson).
Thou Shalt Nurture Thy Children (Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, and Steve Irwin).
Thou Shalt Not Exploit The Poor For Thine Own Sake (Madonna).
Thou Shalt Not Think Too Highly Of Thine Own Self (Faith Hill and Kanye West).
Thou Shalt Not Preach Against What Thou Practiceth Secretly (Ted Haggard).

Some of these people have already recovered and regained public favor (one via death); others may go to the grave serving as cautionary tales or fodder for bad jokes. But the widespread outrage over their deeds reveals the existence of an ethical code in our culture that we can't -- and shouldn't -- overlook. If ours is a relativistic culture that shuns absolute truths, how could so many of us agree that these celebrities blew it? Why were these particular transgressions intolerable in a society that values tolerance so highly?

When another media frenzy begins over a fallen idol, we're free to discuss any biblical commands that were broken and point out the culture's longing for true, unchanging virtue. But we must avoid any gleeful, self-righteous gossip or slander masquerading as humor. When the next unfortunate is dragged through the mud of the public square, we're called to pray that he or she might hear the glorious words spoken by Jesus to one and all: "Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God."

Hooray! Your Teen is Bilingual!

2006-11-06T11:40:00.000-05:00

While chauffeuring and eavesdropping on my teens chatting with their friends, I'm reminded eerily of being in a country where I don't speak much of the language. Teens have moved from using slang to speaking what's actually considered a dialect, which means they're developing the cerebral flexibility that comes with acquiring a second language.

The Urban Dictionary loosely tracks the fast-changing vocabulary of teen talk this side of the Atlantic, and the Independent reports that, thanks to (1) this ability of adolescents to move fluidly between cultures and (2) the power of music in youth culture, English-speaking teens in the U.K. are also becoming bilingual. The good news (at least for their future in the job market) is that most of them can switch back to "standard" English when need be.

While "Multicultural London English" (MLE) may have more of a Jamaican patois flavor compared to American teen-speak, I was interested by the cross-Atlantic overlap in vocabulary. Yes, I know it's ridiculous for over-the-hillers to wield teen jargon, but we should at least understand some of what they say. Gauge how many of these London street terms (with synonyms) you know, and then test your teen, or even your pre-teen:

Air, Dissed, Deadout, Dead.
Bait, Waste, Clown.
Ballin', Flossing.
Bare, Nuff, Over.
Blud, Bredrin, Bruv, Cuz, Fam, Man Dem.
Boyed, Chiefed, Hotted, Had Up.
Brapp! Zoop! Zoop!
Breading, On His Balls.
Bubblin'.
Bustin', Rocking, Pushing.
Choong, Buff, Fly.
Chops, Bling, Ice, Chaps.
Clown, Joker, Wasteman.
Cotch, Chill.
Creps, Kicks, Boogers, Sneaks.
Cussin', Burying, Burnin', Ripping.
Endz, Hood, Ghetto, Road.
Far.
Flow, Delivery.
Freestyle, Bars, Spitting.
Garms, Threads.
Grimy, Fierce.
Grind, Struggle, Hustle.
Hype, Blowing up.
Jokes.
Long.
Reach it, Touch it.
Regs.
Repping, Shouts.
Shiffed, Nabbed, Pulled up.
Swag, Wack, Waste.

Answers:

Air, Dissed, Deadout, Dead: Something that's rubbish. Also used to describe being ignored. "You got air."
Bait, Waste, Clown: Obvious, stupid. "You're so bait man."
Ballin', Flossing: Making or having lots of money. "What you ballin' now?"
Bare, Nuff, Over: Lots, many; high in quantity and quality. "I got bare jokes, man."
Blud, Bredrin, Bruv, Cuz, Fam, Man Dem: Friend. "What's happenin' blud?"
Boyed, Chiefed, Hotted, Had Up: Being insulted, publicly put-down or humiliated. "You got boyed!"
Brapp! Zoop! Zoop!: Exclamation of approval, usually accompanied by "throwing" gun-shaped hands in the air to mimic some Jamaican badman's habit of firing gunshots in the air to show the DJ their approval. "Brapp! Brapp! That bar was heavy!"
Breading, On His Balls: Sucking up to someone. "Why you breading?"
Bubblin': Feeling the vibe
Bustin', Rocking, Pushing: Wearing something. "My man's bustin' his trousers low."
Choong, Buff, Fly: Attractive. "That girl is choooong, blud."
Chops, Bling, Ice, Chaps: Jewelry. "I can't find my chops!"
Clown, Joker, Wasteman: Idiot. "Shut up, clown.
Cotch, Chill: To kick back and relax at home alone or with close friends, to do as little as possible. "I'm cotchin' in my crib for time."
Creps, Kicks, Boogers, Sneaks: Athletic shoes. "Yo, fresh creps, blud."
Cussin', Burying, Burnin', Ripping: Insulting. "Why you cussin' for?"
Endz, Hood, Ghetto, Road: Local area, estate or neighbourhood. "Grime is big on the endz."
Far: Shortened way of saying something is too far away or too much of a hassle to get to. Requires extra emphasis. "Deptford is far, blud."
Flow, Delivery: Describes the speech pattern, speed and style used when someone raps. "His flow is tight, G."
Freestyle, Bars, Spitting: Rapping without any pre-written lyrics. Nowadays used to describe lyrics that aren't in song format, not necessarily unprepared. "Drop a freestyle, man."
Garms, Threads: Clothes. "Yeah, nice garms, blud."
Grimy, Fierce: Positive term for something or someone that appears raw and tough, but not necessarily related to grime music. "This beat is over grimy."
Grind, Struggle, Hustle: Working hard to make ends meet. "I've been grinding for time man."
Hype, Blowing up: A good artist with a big fan base who is getting lots of interest. Also used to describe someone who is either excited or excitable. "This MC is hype!"
Jokes: Used as an adjective to mean ridiculous or rubbish. "That show is jokes, man."
Long: Overly complicated, boring, difficult or time-consuming. Requires particular emphasis. "Homework? Nah, that's long, man."
Reach it, Touch it: Going to a place. "Yeah, I'm gonna reach it."
Regs: Often, frequently, short for regular. "I juice on the regs."
Repping, Shouts: An MC will represent or big up their area or crew to show they have not forgotten where they have come from. "I'm repping my endz, blud."
Shiffed, Nabbed, Pulled up: Caught by the Police, arrested. "I got shiffed outside the KFC."
Swag, Wack, Waste: Not very good, rubbish. "That's swag."

Score:

1-10: Swag.
10-20: Bubbling.
20-31. Fierce.

Yaoi Manga: Not Your Grandfather's Comics

2006-11-04T11:39:00.000-05:00

Think you've already got plenty to worry about when it comes to nurturing this generation of young people? Well, add another item to your list. Check out this scary article (warning: graphic content and images) in the alternative newsweekly Village Voice about Yaoi, a boy-on-boy genre of erotic manga that more and more teen and even pre-teen girls are consuming:

English-language manga is one of the fastest growing segments of the American publishing industry. Sales of that category amounted to about $175 million in North America last year, around triple the sales in 2002 ... National chain bookstores like Borders and Barnes & Noble are scrambling to find more shelf space for these hot-ticket items, and are installing benches and couches at which readers can lounge. In that context, yaoi is the success story within the success story ...

Yaoi's success with its target audience has surprised even comic industry insiders. "When it was first presented to us, we were very skeptical," says Joshua Hayes, associate director of sales and marketing for Diamond Book Distributors of Maryland, the largest U.S. distributor of graphic novels. "Even though everyone told us that it was going to be sold to female consumers of a certain age level, we just couldn't believe that was true. I was looking at the first volume, untranslated, and thinking, 'There's no way; surely this would sell to a homosexual audience.'"

Some of the most disturbing (and popular) titles include stories about stepbrothers "falling in love," an underage student and his male teacher, and a boy and his dog. Parents take heed: that might not be Shonen Jump your daughter is reaching for at the bookstore. Take a closer look.

Here are some resources to help you find treasures in the world of reading.

Conservative Evangelicals: An Oxymoron?

2006-11-02T09:13:00.000-05:00

I worry when political labels are used simultaneously in the religious realm. Take "conservative evangelical," for example. I think it describes someone striving to preserve what is right and good and defending biblical truth, but why, then, does the juxtaposition of those two words sound so ... odd? Maybe it's because of our King's call to serve as light-shedding transformer as well as salty conserver. No matter where we are politically, when it comes to our faith, true followers of Jesus must be radical and conservative at the same time.

In a recent presentation about evangelism at a Vision New England conference, James Emery White demonstrated how attitudes about the church and Christianity took a dramatic turn for the worse in North America during and after the sixties. I believe this exodus from the pews, especially by young people, may have taken place because the evangelical church was perceived as trying to conserve rather than change the injustice of segregation. Those who valued truth were not demonstrating love to a generation on the hunt for both.

We have a window of opportunity again to be salt and light for a new cohort of young people eager to make a difference. This time around, we can't afford to undermine our message by not leading the way. Will the arm of the church known for talking about a "personal relationship with Jesus" rise to the challenge? Evangelicals are already battling horrors like world hunger, human trafficking, infanticide, child pornography, homelessness, and genocide, but there are other issues to champion and room to help shoulder these burdens. Even a conservative Republican can -- and must -- be a radical follower of Jesus when it comes to fighting injustice. Especially if we hope to see young people come into our sanctuaries, eagerly seeking Truth.

Passage Magazine: For Teen Guys Only

2006-10-31T09:23:00.000-05:00

If your sons are anything like mine, they'd rather flip through a gaming, music, or movie magazine than read a book. That's why I was excited to learn about Passage Magazine, published by the folks over at Strang. Here's the skinny on this new publication for guys aged 15-18:

PASSAGE: by New Man is divided into six channels, creating a sensory-igniting experience that’s more like a Web site than a print magazine. Look for these channels in each and every issue: GOD / GAMES & GADGETS / GIRLS / MANHOOD / MUSIC / SPORTS. We talk candidly about what it means to be a godly man and challenge our readers on topics including faith, accountability, entertainment, dating and sexual purity. Plus, we offer interviews with the biggest names in music and sports, REAL reviews on the latest video games, and, most importantly, plenty of articles that will help young men to connect with God and step into the destiny that He has planned for their lives. The magazine is bold, in-your-face and benefit-oriented in approach. Never boring, always relevant and Christ-centered, PASSAGE: by New Man is a guide for guys on the journey to manhood, and, an invaluable tool that fathers can use to help their sons become godly men.

Hip-Hop Abstinence

2006-10-26T21:23:00.000-04:00

If you're eager to build bridges with teens about hip-hop music, check out the lyrics to a song by Lyfe Jennings called S.E.X. that's climbing the charts:

Hustlers on the block go crazy when you lick ya lips
But they just want relation
They don’t want relationship
(welcome to the real world)
It ain’t the same
Fellas old enough to be ya daddy know ya name
Everybodys talking’ ‘bout how much that girl done changed
Can’t quite put ya finger on it
But you feelin’ strange
Like its fire in your veins

[Chorus]
Girl it’s just your
S.E.X.
Ain’t no more secret
And Daddy gone go crazy when he finds out that his baby’s found her
S.E.X.
Take a deep breath
And think before you let it go (let it go)

[Verse 2]
The block is packed
Baby gotta attitude and proud to holla back
Momma’s givin’ advice but she ain’t tryna hear that
Not because its wrong, just her delivery is wack
(Shay get ya behind in this house, if I see you with another boy, I swear)
Life is rough,
You say that you’re not ready for sex, but you’re in love
He says if you’d really loved him, you would give it up
Mamma says that’s just a line guys use to get ya stuff
Which one will you trust?

[Chorus]

[Verse 3]
Eh yo Lyfe, she may take it better coming from a woman (Give it to her)
See he’ll tell you all kind of things to get in your pants, yeah
Baby it’s a fact, that once it’s gone you’ll never get it back (never get it back)
Hold on, to your innocence
Use your common sense
You’re worth waiting for (You’re worth waiting for)
Be strong
Honey don’t give in
Blessing come with patience
Until we meet again, I’m praying, for you

"...It's not like people are coming up to me like, 'I love the song because of the melody,'" says the singer. "They come up to me and say, 'That song made me want to keep my virginity.'... And I think that's the greatest thing, to have a person who can love the melody but also love the message."

Christian Conferences for Dummies

2006-10-23T10:27:00.000-04:00

Would you deliberately put yourself in a situation where you'll battle an intense bout of judgmentalism that leaves you feeling spiritually sick? Don't get me wrong -- I like retreats and getaways planned by my local church with people I know, but large, glitzy gatherings of evangelicals featuring big name speakers are definitely not good for my soul. The celebraholism, the merchandising, the feeling of being an outsider in a club where people talk, dress, think, and buy alike ... I usually end up wanting either to burst into a Bollywood song and dance number as I exit the joint or don a white, blue-bordered sari and carry a hungry brown baby around the exhibit halls.

That's why I was so delighted with my most recent attempt at Christian conferencing -- attending Equip '06, Vision New England's daylong offering for adults working with children and youth. First of all, it was held in a public middle school, with the venue itself underlining the context of the people we're trying to bless. (The session on serving non-English-speakers was in the library, for example, where a nice selection of Spanish and Portuguese books for kids had been prominently displayed by the school librarian.)

Second, Chap Clark outlined the findings of his seven-month ethnographic study of mid-adolescence, summarized in Hurt: Inside The World of Today's Teenagers, a must-read for parents of teens. During his sessions, Clark elaborated on the premise of his book:

Adolescents have been cut off for far too long from the adults who have the power and experience to escort them into the greater society. Adolescents have been abandoned. They have, therefore, created their own world, a world that is designed to protect them from the destructive forces and wiles of the adult community.

"EVERY kid is desperate for one adult to sit on the curb with them," he said, re-igniting my desire to champion, cheerlead, and simply and unhurriedly BE with any teens who come my way (including my own two). This isn't easy to do, Clark reminded us, with people who mistrust you.

The reality of intimacy hunger was echoed by James Emery White, who told us that the forging of authentic relationships is a key to representing Jesus in this generation. And finally, during a practical session on how to care for young spouses of porn addicts, I heard frank, gritty discussion about sexual exploitation and suffering -- a conversation that should be taking place in every church in North America.

I've been to other conferences, though, where the workshops and plenaries were excellent but I still left feeling disenfranchised and cynical. So what made this conference different? Maybe it was because almost everybody there, speakers, attendees, and exhibitors alike, shared the same goal -- to obey the One who uninhibitedly welcomes kids of all shapes, hues, and abilities into his inner circle. He's the curb-sitting guy with the power to nurture an abandoned generation of teens and open a hard, judgmental heart, so that even someone like me can endure, and yes, even enjoy, a Christian conference.

REALLY Good Web Surfing

2006-10-18T15:26:00.000-04:00

Our family spends a lot of time googling topics ranging from "new puppy stop biting" to "movie review Grudge 2." If you do a lot of web searches, too, why not redeem the time by simultaneously raising money for your church, school, or favorite charity? Head over to GoodSearch.com and check it out -- it's a good way to remind our kids (and ourselves) that even web-surfing can be a way to love God and neighbor. The site, which has been reviewed by the likes of CNN, the New York Times, and the Wall Street Journal, is powered by Yahoo!, and fifty percent of the revenue generated from advertisers is shared with the charity, school or nonprofit organization of your choosing.

"American Born Chinese" by Gene Yang

2006-10-11T20:10:00.000-04:00

If your son or daughter is a fan of comic books, pick up Gene Yang's graphic novel from First Second Books, American Born Chinese, which was just nominated for the National Book Award in the children's literature category. On Yang's blog, in response to criticism that he had "Christianized" a Buddhist tale in his book, he writes:

Christianity, you see, lies at the very center of my identity as an Asian-American. I would even go so far as to say that Christianity is a vital part of "The" Asian-American experience. For proof, simply visit a Christian student group on any university campus. More likely than not, you’ll find a sea of Asian faces. By adopting this ancient Western religion that is both a part of and at odds with contemporary Western culture, we attempt to make sense of ourselves.

You go, brother Gene. Here are some more resources to help parents find treasures in the world of fiction for kids.

Three Vocations, One Companion

2006-10-09T12:09:00.000-04:00

I was pushing through a major block on a novel and my inability to meet a deadline was hanging over me like a dark cloud, sucking joy from two other vocations -- mothering and helpmating. The problem was that not one cell in my body was motivated to write. I was so stuck and discouraged that I checked myself into a monastery's guesthouse for 24 hours. Am I doing the right thing, Jesus? Should I chuck the writing and revel in the fast-speeding minutes of raising teenagers, spend more time in the church doing pastor's wife kinds of things, actually cook dinners instead of defrosting them?

In the silence and solitude, my eyes kept returning to the crucifix on the wall. Staying there was the Creator's act, I thought, staying where it was excruciating. Right now, writing is SO HARD for me, Lord, even though I know you led me to this work. Stay there, I heard, soul to soul. I'll stay with you.

I sat at the small wooden desk, lit a candle, and wrote, and wrote, and wrote. Then I went home, cheered my boys on as they battled aliens in a video game, put some chicken curry on to simmer (one dish I can cook that my husband loves), and gave thanks for the unseen Companion helping me with all three of my vocations, no matter how excruciating they can each feel at times.

The Fray: How To Save A Life

2006-10-06T14:18:00.000-04:00

The Fray's hit song, "How to Save A Life," gives some insight into how to parent a prodigal:

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life...

Notice how the lyrics encourage us never to give up, but subtly point out that the choice to "admit to everything" (repent) is ultimately not ours. (Shades of Ezekiel 18?) According to the writer, all we can do is keep pursuing our teens and praying to God that they hear. But beyond this, the good news for parents who might be "wondering why they came" is that there is someone who knows how to save a life -- Jesus, the companion of prodigals no matter how far they roam in the night.

It's The Company They Keep

2006-10-03T12:14:00.000-04:00

"Pop culture's so violent," we parents tell each other glumly as we read the news headlines. "We've got to clamp down on the entertainment industry."

It's true. Youth culture is violent, but we don't want to get so into monitoring their media that we forget an important truth about our teens. Anastasia Goodstein, editor of the marketing blog YPulse: Media for the Next Generation, elaborates on a key difference between us and them:

I was reading Joel Stein's Op-Ed in the Los Angeles Times (reg. required) about how today's parents ... are too in tune with their kids' pop culture tastes and therefore nothing can really truly shock them. They've made it harder for their kids to hate them. Then Ypulse reader Paul sent me (a) report from Universal McCann (download a .pdf file here) about the new digital divide, not between rich and poor or black and white but between this generation of teens and adults. So while there may not be as much of a cultural generation gap amongst teens and their wannabe hipster parents, there may be a technology gap.

To me, the reason for the technology gap is less about the technology and more about the different developmental phases in teens' lives vs. their parents. Teens are all about their peers, identity formation and socializing. The new technology has given them tools to do all of this digitally. Just like the annoying cell phone commercials that show teens gabbing away or images of parents rolling their eyes in any sitcom when a teen literally leaps on top of a ringing phone, parents tend to forget how important these social connections are for teens (or how important they were when they were teens).

Exerting parental influence in the area of friendship requires us to activate two ancient spiritual disciplines -- presence and prayer.

Treat your daughter and a couple of her friends to cappuccinos at the local coffeshop. Drive your son and his buddies to their desired destinations, keeping your mouth shut while they chat. Freely locate your household's screens in places that permit parental lurking. And all the while, remember to tune in and ask the Spirit to show you what's really going on. Is my son's companion bringing out the best in him, or encouraging him to be selfish or mean? Is my daughter able to express her real self, or is she masquerading for the sake of her friend? Is my teen lonely, God? Help her, free him, show me when and how to bring up the subject.

If Goodstein is right, as I think she is, it's crucial to ask the greatest Friend of all to provide life-giving relationships for your teens, which is what I've been doing lately as the academic year progresses. You know all the kids in that school and in this neighborhood, God. Give him a couple of good friends, please.

The Return of Racist Jokes

2006-09-30T08:48:00.000-04:00

"At lunch today, someone told a joke about black people, Mom," my son tells me.

"Really?" I ask. "Was the kid telling the joke black?"

"Nope. He's white. He started to tell it, but another kid stopped him. Then the whole table looked at me, like they were asking if it was okay to keep going. I guess I was the closest thing to a black kid at the table."

"Wow. So how'd you feel about that?"

My son shrugs. "I didn't care. He told the joke; it was kinda funny. Want to hear it?"

"No," I say firmly, and go off into a riff about how wrong it is to tell jokes about a group of people when you're an outsider, especially a white person telling jokes about black people given the particular history of the relationship between those races.

My son takes it in, but I can tell that part of him is thinking: Lighten up, Mom. It's just a joke.

Hey, I'm a big fan of humor, but this unspoken advice is hard for me to accept."Lightening up" seems impossible given the planet's abysmal history when it comes to race. What's the point of ethnic jokes, anyway? Margo Varadi of the Toronto Star, in Race is the New 'Sex' in Today's Pop Culture makes the case that teens are using them to build intimacy:

Ryan (Hearst), 19, says he and his friends will often make racist jokes towards one another. "A black friend of mine will take my keys or something and poke fun at himself for stealing," Ryan says. His Asian roommate is also fair game ... Laughing at each other just shows how close and comfortable they all are... "We couldn't go to people we don't know and make those kind of jokes, because who knows how people will react? There always has to be lines. Without lines and rules, there's chaos."

According to the article, the trend, like the current season of the television show Survivor where teams are divided by race, is a backlash against the heavy-handed politically correct absolutes that have ruled our culture. Humor is apparently this generation's tool to bring the issue into the open and build connections between people instead of dividing them.

To me, it's still important who does the telling. It's one thing if an Indian friend waggles her head and jokes about outsourcing using a fake Indian accent, but if a white person did the same thing, I wouldn't laugh, no matter how tight we were. My son, however, might. But despite all of their so-called "lightening up," he and his buddies do have some absolutes when it comes to joking about race -- like the no-no of a white person calling a black friend the "N-word." In any case, no matter where we draw the lines about what's funny and what's not, it does feel like the culture is undergoing a significant shift when it comes to race. I just hope it's in the right direction.

Why Teens Need Fur Therapy

2006-09-26T11:43:00.000-04:00

"Get away from that animal!" my father called out. "He'll bite!"

Dogs wandered the streets in the city of my birth, Kolkata, India. They were wild, skinny, cowering, and sometimes rabid, and my thoroughly non-westernized parents taught us to fear them. When we moved to a country where some people seemed to revere dogs more than they did their aged relatives, I just didn't get the great American pet fixation.

But then I became a Mom. Reluctantly, in response to the begging and wheedling of two four-year-olds (and my husband), I agreed to acquire Strider. Over the years, I moved from keeping a distance to letting him follow me around the house with adoring eyes. And then I actually found myself becoming thankful for his presence. Immensely so, because when our boys got older and became more taciturn, still the conversations, stories, and jokes about Strider continued. They jettisoned stuffed animals and squirmed away from kisses, but affection for and cherishing of their dog intensified every year. Basically, he kept their hearts soft and open, and I became a firm believer in the power of dog therapy, expecially when it comes to teenagers.

Humans, Judeo-Christian or otherwise, were made to be stewards. My own parents, while never warming up to animals, brought their villagers' love of gardening with them to America and grew flowers galore. That's why, if your teen is going through a rough patch, why not provide him a way to interact with God's creation? God's command to rule over the living creatures on the earth (Genesis 1:28b) is actually given as a blessing:

God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” (Genesis 1:28, NIV).

As a vulnerable creature looks to him for food, water, companionship, exercise, and protection, or a small garden relies on his tending and watering, your son will glimpse a bit of God’s joyous, nurturing heart. You don't have to buy him a pet -- volunteer at an animal shelter together, take a weekly walk through the city zoo to check in on some favorite residents, or even pay him extra pocket money to grow vegetables in pots.

For our boys, with Strider's days sadly numbered, we brought Zipper home yesterday. I write this with a puppy's body nestled against my feet, realizing that my own tenderness towards this dog might be symptomatic of the leap I've taken across cultures. Of course, I still have high expectations when it comes to the younger generation respecting and caring for ancient relatives -- which Strider thinks is a most excellent cultural practice.

Jesus: The Next Hot Trend?

2006-09-22T20:37:00.000-04:00

In their article, Satisfying the 10 Cravings of a New Generation of Consumers, authors Lisa Johnson and Cheri Hanson define the "connected generation" as having ten desires. A closer look at their list reveals that this hungry generation can still be satisfied by one simple, timeless activity -- following Jesus in community.

1. Shine the spotlight: Extreme personalization gives marketing a new face

The Connected Generation is clamoring for personal recognition. They're itching to stand out, stand up, and be celebrated with their names in lights (or print or pixels). Brands that tap into this powerful need with highly creative efforts will get not only great buzz, but a whole new level of loyalty and brand ownership to match.

Isn't that what Jesus does? Throw a big party for a prodigal? Go out looking for that one precious sheep?

2. Raise my pulse: Adventure takes its place as the new social currency

There is a new premium placed on venturing into the world, collecting exotic adventures and memories, and pushing personal limits. Customers are seeking highly interactive encounters that teach and challenge and in the process, give them personal insight, and explore who they are. Today, more brands are responding to this craving for adventure by offering fresh, unique, and easy-to-access experiences. From classes on stiletto-shoe to test-driving new careers, it has never been easier to raise your pulse.

Climbing the narrow road with Jesus is a pulse-raising adventure beyond compare.

3. Make loose connections: The new shape of "families" and social networks

The Connected Generation has embraced technology to build social and professional networks with a brave new structure. This generation is rejecting traditional associations and club-style memberships in favor of loose connections that more accurately reflect their interests, lifestyles, and busy days. Brands need to understand how to interact with these powerful new social structures if they want to stay hot and stay in the loop.

Jesus, too, rejected "traditional associations and club-style memberships," and pursued brief but intense interactions with all kinds of different people.

4. Give me brand candy: Everyday objects get sharp, delicious, intuitive design

Design has emerged as a sign of the good life. The look and feel of objects, places, and things is becoming increasingly important. Design is shifting paradigms and spurring people everywhere to rethink established products and industries. Design, along with its strategic twin innovation, has become a vital tool to stand out and stay strong in an increasingly competitive market.

A goblet of crimson wine. Fresh-baked bread. Our King knew the power of simple, beautiful objects.

5. Filter out the clutter: Editors and filters step into a new role of prominence

In a world that's inundated with choices, editing is a critical market phenomenon and an important process in our daily lives. Consumers rely on editors to sift through the raw data and identify the top picks. As a result, many savvy brands are learning to build editing mechanisms into their brands, products, and Web sites. In today's globalized world, it feels good to be "in the know" and to avoid costly and frustrating purchases.

Sounds like the Holy Spirit's job description in a nutshell -- to sift through the junk and steer us to truth.

6. Keep it underground: The rejection of push advertising and the rising influence of peer-to-peer networks

The Connected Generation has grown up feeling saturated with advertising and marketing. They are suspicious of ordinary "push" campaigns and gravitate toward integrated, contextual offerings from trusted friends and members of their networks. A select group of people discovers something new, from shoes to bands to politics to neighborhoods, and translates it to satisfy a much wider audience. This is the way of the underground.

7. Build it together: Connected citizens explore their creative power and influence change

There are currently one billion people connected online around the world. With so many people conducting large portions of their lives online, we've only just begun to tap into the power of Web-based networks. The Connected Generation is becoming intoxicated by its growing ability to spark change—both as consumer groups and as end users. This awareness is spurring mass creativity and launching a power shift away from companies and into the hands of consumers.

8. Bring it to life: Everyday activities are orchestrated to deliver a dramatic sense of theater

From beverages to designer fashions to dinnertime solutions, brand theater is popping up in virtually every industry as savvy companies deliver compelling and entertaining new experiences. Brand theater allows companies of all kinds to create emotional connections with their customers. It takes typical experiences a few steps forward by engaging the senses, the imagination, and the spirit, and transforms routine experiences into riveting entertainment.

9. Go inward: Spiritual hunger and modern media find common ground

Increasingly, the meaningful life is defined as the spiritual life, and spirituality has become a dominant value among today's consumers. Companies and media channels are introducing new products, services, and forums to support this spiritually hungry generation. The Connected Generation has embraced modern media and blurred the lines between secular and sacred, finding spirituality in all aspects of their lives.

10. Give back: Redefining volunteerism and the meaning of contribution

There's a new spirit of volunteerism in the air, led by a young Connected Generation that has new ideas about how to give back. Today's volunteers want to give their time and talent instead of simply writing a check. Modern volunteer associations combine fresh structures with fun people and a chance to make direct, meaningful connections with the community. These new giving models are igniting a generation and making their volunteer efforts convenient, high impact, and more emotionally satisfying.

Numbers six through ten give us hope for the church. Where else will this generation find an underground, connected group of folks who (6) have discovered something new and are translating it to satisfy a much wider audience, (7) are attempting to spark change, (8) seek to create emotional connections , (9) look for the sacred in the secular, and (10) offer meaningful, emotionally satisying ways to give back?

Keep trying, marketers of brands and products, but you'll never match the one thing that can satisfy every hungry generation -- The Pursuit Of God In The Company Of Friends, as my friend Rich Lamb put it so well.

Source: MarketingProfs.com

Why Your Teen Needs A Big Glomp

2006-09-18T12:06:00.000-04:00

I was hypertasking when my main squeezie came over to glomp me. I said, "That was the awesome," and gave him a shaka ...

No, this isn't a scene from a steamy romance novel in progress -- it's me showing off some newly-acquired urban vocabulary. (Translation: While I was talking on the phone and writing my blog entry at the same time, my husband came over to give me a much appreciated hug.) Don't worry, I'm not midlifing. (Definition: an older person using urban slang in everyday conversation -- not yet in the urban dictionary; see midlife crisis.) I'm trying to get a glimpse of the challenges faced by the two diplomats we're sending out there, hoping they'll represent the King well in their generation.

Browsing the urban dictionary can be an enlightening -- and shocking -- way to gain insight into the world view of youth culture's natives. Skim through the definitions for "Jesus" (if you can stomach the mocking), for example; these are the kinds of responses young adults face when they tell people they follow Him. You'll also find some creative attempts to wield this new language and communicate age-old truths of the Bible. (It also comes in handy when you're trying to understand the lyrics to hit songs; that's how I discovered last year that a grill isn't a pseudonym for a body part.)

So if you're trying learn more about the place of their posting, why not sign up to get the dictionary's word of the day in your mailbox? WARNING: the content is sure to be edgy and even outrightly rank at times, but understanding the language of the stranger or alien for Love's sake is always all grapes, right?

Is 'Junk Culture' Wrecking Our Children?

2006-09-12T15:33:00.000-04:00

The Daily Telegraph reports on a letter sent to their London headquarters bemoaning the effect of "junk culture" on the younger generation:

A sinister cocktail of junk food, marketing, over-competitive schooling and electronic entertainment is poisoning childhood, a powerful lobby of academics and children's experts says today. In a letter to The Daily Telegraph, 110 teachers, psychologists, children's authors and other experts call on the Government to act to prevent the death of childhood. They write: "We are deeply concerned at the escalating incidence of childhood depression and children's behavioural and developmental conditions."

I agree that many of pop culture's products produce a toxic effect and am also concerned about the current suffering of children, but some of the finger-pointing taking place across the Atlantic reminds me of our own so-called "high" culture's antagonism towards youth (or "low") culture. Were any of these academics and experts born after 1970? Or 1980? I'd be curious to find out. Listen to the shared and outspoken conviction of faculty in Bowling Green State University’s Department of Popular Culture Studies: "Materials which are genuinely popular, whether we ourselves approve of or enjoy any particular item or genre, are socially and possibly aesthetically significant."

A major shift took place during the industrial revolution as children exited the workplace and delayed entrance into adult life in a newly created developmental phase called "adolescence." Another cataclysmic shift may be taking place now as younger people become more adept than their elders at wielding economic tools like phones and computers. History shows that cultural change is painful in the short run, and that different groups in society suffer more than others, but in the long run come gains along with the losses.

In the meantime, it's impossible for anybody to deny that many of our kids are in pain. "Who is to blame?" the newspaper asks, inviting answers from readers. Most interesting (to me, at least) was a single comment hidden in the reams of responses like a jewel: "Neither they nor their parents fear God and want to please Him."

Stan Lee: Do YOU Want To Be MY Superhero?

2006-09-06T10:07:00.000-04:00

This summer on SCI FI Channel, legendary comic book creator Stan Lee (Spiderman, Hulk, The Fantastic Four, X-Men) captivated our family with his show, Who Wants To Be A Superhero? Before I wax euphoric about Mr. Lee's latest creative endeavor, let me preface my recommendation with a caveat or two. The show did use a few campy reality show tactics, like taking cheap shots at overweight people and unnecessarily aggravating personality conflicts between contestants. I'm also worried about the direction Mr. Lee has taken over the past few years, like a recent partnership with Hugh Hefner to co-create a show, for example, and Pamela Anderson's Stripperella series. Enough said.

In Who Wants To Be A Superhero?, Mr. Lee restored my faith in his storytelling abilities by giving us a way to underline some key biblical qualities for our sons. On the show, contestants were eliminated when they chose selfishness over service, and were rewarded when they behaved, well, sort of like Jesus:

... No one will be leaping over tall buildings in a single bound; our superheroes will be tested for courage, integrity, self-sacrifice, compassion, and resourcefulness — all traits that every true superhero must possess ...

In every one of the six episodes, the now eighty-something Mr. Lee appeared on a large screen to interact with the contestants, issuing commands, rewards, and punishments like a deity. In one of the most touching episodes, he took some time to affirm the final three contestants, "Feedback"(pictured above), "Captain Victory," and "Fat Momma." As the legendary father figure described the nobility and goodness he had glimpsed in each of them, all three broke down in joyful tears. Our family talked about how every human heart hungers for paternal acceptance and blessing, wiping away a few tears ourselves (okay, they were all mine.) So here's a message to Mr. Lee from a grateful Mom -- stay away from Hefner and the temptation of even more big bucks, and stick to what you do best: telling stories about people who overcome weakness to demonstrate true character. Now that's a life-giving legacy.

Our Family's Whirlwind Tour of MTV-Land

2006-09-01T11:18:00.000-04:00

Let me make a few things clear before I tell you why and how the four of us stayed up past midnight watching the MTV Video Music Awards last night.

We didn't have television in our home for the first decade of our boys' lives (partly because we lived overseas and then in areas where we'd have to pay for cable to get any channels at all).
When we finally decided to get cable (a decision that may have been influenced by the Red Sox and the Patriots), we chose Comcast, which allows us to tape shows, fast-forward through commercials, and block "objectionable" channels.
MTV is one of those channels, and last night was the first time we invited it into our home (apart from watching a few half-hour, commercial-free episodes of the Andy Milonakis show.)

So why did we watch the VMA awards? At this stage of parenting (and at the risk of repeating myself ad nauseaum), it's all about keeping them company as we try and train them to be ambassadors for Christ. That's why, as we watched the taped show about an hour after it aired, we hunted as a family for any mention of God and rejoiced when a few musicians took time to thank Him. We noticed how the show seemed racially divided, with white musicians creating rock and roll and African Americans producing hip-hop and R&B. Even as we fast-forwarded through and skipped the cruder jokes and steamier acts, we discussed how the media distorts femininity and masculinity, causing so much suffering in their generation. The boys noticed that several of the artists seemed stoned or drunk, and we talked about how musicians through the years have been felled by substance abuse -- is it because they mine painful emotions for the sake of their songs, are demolished by bad company, and/or get overwhelmed by the pressure of celebrity life?

But we weren't only sitting back and judging the show and its' participants -- we enjoyed several of the songs, were entertained by a few of the acts, and found things we liked in all the different genres of music. It lasted for over five hours and we didn't make it through the whole thing, but we did end the night in prayer, with each of us choosing and focusing on a few artists. One son prayed for the band members of "Panic at the Disco," and the other for the musician who informed the audience, "I thank God but don't know which one I believe in yet because I'm still looking for the truth." My husband picked Hype Williams, who produces many of the R&B/Hip-Hop videos, and I prayed for Beyonce, Chamillionaire, Chris Brown, and Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls, who all seem to hint at having roots in gospel music and the church.

Was it worth taking our teens into that troubling realm of popular culture? I think so. I pray so. The truth is, they go there anyway, even if it's not via the portal of our television. MTV has a very long arm. In the meantime, we'll keep stumbling along after Jesus, who led his own beloved disciples purposefully into the "troubling realm" of Samaria so that they could represent Him in Judea, Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.

Praying The MTV Video Music Awards

2006-08-30T17:11:00.000-04:00

Chuck Colson's Breakpoint column and Dr. James Emery White's blog recently provided us with thoughtful, sobering reflections about MTV's 25-year influence on young people. If you plan to watch the channel's Video Music Awards (Thursday, August 31 at 8:00 p.m. EST), won't you consider joining me in praying through the show? As I wrote when we prayed the Oscars, judgment and fear may seem like appropriate reactions for those of us who parent teens, but we're called to pray for influential people in the entertainment industry. I'm going to keep a Philippians 4:8 list of "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy" throughout the course of the show, and pray like mad for winners and losers alike, as well as for the young people who adore them. Won't you join me?

Back To School ... With Pauline Priorities

2006-08-14T13:22:00.000-04:00

True confessions: my Type-A husband and I were both nerds in high school. In addition to getting good grades, pages of our respective yearbooks feature dorky, 1970s versions of ourselves trying a wide range of activities ranging from the magic club (him) to tennis (me).

We went on to attend one of those universities full of other Type-A folk, and as a result, most of our lifelong friends fit into the "high-achieving" category. "Yes, yes, that stuff's not important," we'd tell each other in Bible Study as the Apostle Paul denounced his secular resume in his letter to the Philippians:

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him.

"Paul's right, he's right, it's all rubbish compared to knowing Jesus," we said earnestly. But did we really believe it?

Then God, in His wonderful grace, saw fit to make us parents of a pair of identical, introverted, extreme type-B-ish twins. When the boys finished sixth grade, they brought home their yearbook and we began flipping through it together. Oh, no, I thought. There's no sign of them ANYWHERE. It's like they were INVISIBLE all year. Aren't they feeling lousy about themselves?

I glanced at their faces. No, they were cheerfully pointing out photos of friends trying and excelling at sports, theater, music, writing, honor society, chess. Meanwhile, I was feeling worse and worse. They would never know the ease of being a "shining star" in school, winning kudos from peers and teachers alike. Life isn't fair, I thought glumly.

That's when we got to the very last page of the yearbook. Pictured there was one of the friends the boys had known for years -- Brian Reddy. In the third grade, Brian had been diagnosed with leukemia. He'd fought it valiantly and hopefully, even when he had to come to school in a wheelchair. But by the time sixth grade started, Brian simply didn't have the strength to make it into school. He was so frail that all but essential visits were forbidden.

A school aide brought his homework to him, and when the holidays rolled around, she asked what he wanted for Christmas. "I want to see my buddies," Brian said.

"I think I can make that happen," she said. "Which ones?"

Without hesitation, Brian named our boys.

"Anyone else?" the aide asked.

"Nope," he said. "Just them."

The boys spent a wonderful day at the Reddy's place, eating pizza and watching Brian's beloved Red Sox play ball. It was good that they saw him when they did. Brian died three weeks later; his family, the school, and the community mourned; our boys were brokenhearted.

Now it was June, six months later, and here was a picture of Brian smiling joyfully up at us. "Look, Mom," one of my sons said quietly, pointing to the bottom of the page. There, underneath Brian's photo, our sons had been asked to write paragraphs of tribute describing their buddy, his cheerfulness, his love of baseball, his sense of humor.

And that's when the truth finally sunk into my type-A brain. Our so-called "underachieving" sons had managed to secure the most Pauline-esque title in the whole yearbook. They would go down in history as "Brian's Good Friends," and what could be a greater honor than that?

Now we send our boys off in the fall with what a Pauline prayer:

O Lord. May our sons excel at 'gaining Christ and being found in him, and may they achieve the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus their Lord. Amen.

Note: Rob and I are off to celebrate twenty (!) years of marriage, so I'll be back blogging 8/31 ...

Over-Entertained, Multi-Tasking, and Bored Silly

2006-08-09T17:14:00.000-04:00

A new poll reveals that teens with gadgets and gizmos galore are still bored. Maybe -- and feel free to quote me on this -- they're craving the one thing that's never been for sale and can't be bought. The Los Angeles Times recently reported the poll results, commenting on the state of teen culture in North America:

A new Los Angeles Times/Bloomberg poll, the first in a series of annual entertainment surveys, finds that a large majority of the 12- to 24-year-olds surveyed are bored with their entertainment choices some or most of the time, and a substantial minority think that even in a kajillion-channel universe, they don't have nearly enough options. "I feel bored like all the time, 'cause there is like nothing to do," said Shannon Carlson, 13, of Warren, Ohio, a respondent who has an array of gadgets, equipment and entertainment options at her disposal but can't ward off ennui.

The article goes on to discuss how multi-tasking as well as boredom defines the lives of teenagers. What I found interesting, though, was the age-old human desire for relationship as revealed by the survey respondents. Despite state-of-the-art marketing campaigns that duke it out for teen dollars, the Times reported that "good old-fashioned word of mouth — with a tech twist, thanks to text messaging — continues to be one of the most important factors influencing the choices that young people make." And when respondents were offered a "desert island" choice of one item, the majority picked computers or cellphones -- the technologies that connect us to one another.

No wonder our teens are bored stiff. Despite their race to acquire the next hot-ticket electronic item, what they're really longing for is connection, intimacy, community, relationship. If you offered "collapse on comfy bean bag chairs with a cross-generational group of interesting and loving people, bantering and laughing the summer nights away as the crickets chirp in the background" as an entertainment choice, a typical North American teen might think you were nuts. But that might be exactly what they need to cure their ennui.

So, as we slow things down this summer to spend time with our teens and de-plug and de-screen as a family, to misquote an old Rolling Stones song, "they can't always get what they want, but if we try sometime, they might find, they'll get what they need."

The Power of Music: Talking With Our Teens

2006-08-07T22:06:00.000-04:00

We parents tend to cluster at gatherings, shaking our heads in dismay over teen culture. Why not talk over the startling results of this study with our teens instead of with our peers? RAND researchers surveyed 1,461 adolescents ages 12 to 17, asking about their sexual behavior and how often they listened to music by various artists. From the Rand Corporation's news release:

The study found that the more time adolescents spend listening to music with sexually degrading lyrics, the more likely they are to initiate intercourse and other sexual activities. This holds true for boys and girls as well as for whites and nonwhites, even after accounting for a wide range of other personal and social factors associated with adolescent sexual behavior.

Researchers found that only sexually degrading lyrics – many quite graphic and containing numerous obscenities – are related to changes in adolescents' sexual behavior. These lyrics depict men as sexually insatiable, women as sexual objects, and sexual intercourse as inconsequential. Other songs about sex do not appear to influence youth the same way.
...Adolescents typically listen to 1.5 to 2.5 hours of music per day, which does not include the amount of time they are exposed to music through music videos. Studies show that about 40 percent of popular songs contain references to romance, sexual relationships, and sexual behavior... Researchers found that adolescents who listened to a lot of music containing objectifying and limiting characterizations of sexuality progressed more quickly in their sexual behavior than did adolescents who listened to less of this kind of music.

As I read the results of the study, I realized that the Rand people were vindicating Martin Luther, who ruminated on the connection between music and behavior centuries ago:

For whether you wish to comfort the sad, terrify the happy, encourage the despairing, humble the proud, calm the passionate, or appease those full of hate — and who could number all these masters of the human heart, namely, the emotions, inclinations, and affections that impel men to evil or good? — what more effective means than music could you find?

Here's a question for discussion around the family dinner table or in youth group. What makes a song “Christian”? Is it Christian music if it's created and/or performed by a follower of Jesus? Or do the lyrics alone determine if music is Christian? What about the rhythms and melodies of the song, regardless of lyrics? Read the following statements and decide which one of them, if any, you might endorse:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all music was created equal, that no instrument or style of music is in itself evil — that the diversity of musical expression which flows forth from man is but one evidence of the boundless creativity of our Heavenly Father (The Christian Rocker’s Creed, CCM Magazine).

Music directly represents the passions or states of the soul — gentleness, anger, courage, temperance … If a person habitually listens to the kind of music that rouses ignoble passions, his whole character will be shaped to an ignoble form. In short, if one listens to the wrong kind of music he will become the wrong kind of person; but conversely, if he listens to the right kind of music he will tend to become the right kind of person (Aristotle).

You cannot put the gospel to just any harmony, any beat, any rhythm. The more Christians try and be like the world, the further they will go from the true spirit of the gospel (Musician Darko Velichkovski).

We can also review how singing and music is described in the Bible (see Judges 5:3, 2 Chronicles 7:6, Psalm 27:6, Psalm 47:7, Psalm 68:25, Psalm 81:1, Psalm 87:7, Psalm 89:1, Psalm 98:5, Psalm 108:1, Psalm 144:9, Psalm 147:7, and Ephesians 5:19). What do these verses reveal about why God created music? You might want to negotiate and compose a brief vision statement about your own or your family’s use and enjoyment of music.

Note: “Exposure to Degrading Versus Non-Degrading Music Lyrics and Sexual Behavior among Youth” was published in the August issue of the journal Pediatrics.

The Power of Story: Teaching Boys To Be Men

2006-08-04T16:44:00.000-04:00

My regular blog readers (all three, including Mom) know that I’m a stalwart fan of video gaming. Listen to the author of this Wall Street Journal article:

New media have always met with suspicion: As The Economist editorialized a while back, a "neophobic" tendency dates from antiquity, with Plato's argument in the "Phaedrus" that the relatively newfangled medium of writing corrupted the memory-building powers of oral culture. Of course sometimes the new is bad. Yet the critics of video games are not only conjuring up a threat where none exists; they're ignoring the positive moral lessons and cognitive benefits that many of today's sophisticated games offer.

Most video games aren't violent or racy. A recent survey from the Progress and Freedom Foundation, a free-market think tank, found that more than 80% of the top-selling titles for the past five years came with the video-game industry's "Everyone" or "Teen" ratings, meaning that parents can assume reasonably inoffensive game content. About 15% of 2005's games received "Mature" or "Adults Only" ratings -- surprisingly few, given that 65% of gamers are 18- to 34-year-olds.

I, however, do take issue with the violence committed against women in most M and many T games – or, on the flip side, the sight of slender, agile virtual women beating up and/or shooting down their male cyber-enemies. I’m worried that boys are being conditioned to believe that most women can (and want to) take a man on, mano a mano. Meanwhile, the number of young women who are abused, battered, and murdered by boyfriends and husbands continues to grow.

Recently, a movie we rented was more powerful than countless maternal lectures about how men are supposed to treat women. Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Reunion illustrated clearly the masculine call to nourish, defend, cherish, and honor for our teen boys. (Note: preview the film if you want to fast-forward through the extensive scatological and brief sexual humor, or if you want to use clips. Read screenit.com’s parental review to find out what your family or youth group might find objectionable.) In Perry's story, a pair of sisters are involved with two very different men. One of them manipulates, humiliates, and beats up his fiancée. The other, who boldly defines himself as a Christian, is a polar opposite. When his girlfriend confesses tearfully that most men in her life have tried to destroy her, he doesn’t flinch. “Some men come to restore,” he answers gently, and then goes on to prove it with his honorable, tender love.

After the movie, I raved about what a true hero the second man turned out to be, and talked a bit about the disturbing prevalence of domestic violence, which they had just seen graphically portrayed in the film. Our boys didn’t say much, but the next day, when we visited an arcade, I noticed that one of them avoided fighting the female characters -- even though it cost him the game.

Snakes On A Plane: The Family Friendly Version?

2006-07-29T23:30:00.000-04:00

As a parent of teens, I've recently weathered three disappointments when it comes to the movies. First and foremost, one of my favorite companies, Clean Films, wrote to tell us that they're no longer going to be able to provide edifying entertainment for our family:

It is with great regret that we write to inform you that Clean Films is going out of business soon. As you may have heard or read, after three long years of legal struggles, a judge in Colorado has ruled that we cannot sell or rent edited DVDs anymore. While we thought very strongly about appealing the decision, the potential costs and risks to the company, its customers and shareholders was just too great. Accordingly, we have agreed to close our doors after a brief winding-up period.

Second, M. Night's Lady In The Water was unbearably dull. Finally, a movie that we could all look forward to, and the king of clean suspense didn't deliver. Sigh.

And third, Snakes On A Plane, which sounded like the quintessential young guy's action/horror flick, is no longer going to be rated PG-13. According to this week's Entertainment Weekly:

About four months after the film wrapped, New Line execs woke up to what Snakes would be. "It was clear that the film needed more intensity," says (Toby) Emmerich (New Line President), adding that last summer's success with the R-rated Wedding Crashers helped assuage concerns ... New snake strikes were shot. The vicousness was amped up. One sequence involving a couple getting chomped while smooching in the john became a full-on mile-high-club sex scene.

Another New Line leader credits the changes to the movie's active, vocal, internet-savvy fan base. Well, I'm a blogger, too. And I think this decision to "intensify" reveals a terrible lack of judgment. I'll even go public and predict that while Snakes might start out strong, it's going to fizzle out without making much money. (Let's hope I'm right.)

Hollywood has always objected to operations like Clean Films, arguing that such editing attempts infringe on their "artistic integrity." Well, here's another idea. Why don't the directors, editors, and writers themselves spend a bit of extra time to clean up the films, offering not just the "unrated, uncut" version on video store shelves, but a "family friendly" version also? (Comcast recently offered this option for The Fantastic Four and The Honeymooners, for example.) I know we'd rent them. Wouldn't you?

As Adam R. Holz puts it in Focus on the Family's pluggedin magazine, we need to "vote with our dollars" when it comes to the movies. Let's make it lucrative for Hollywood bigwigs to apply their artistic talents to provide what Clean Films was trying to accomplish on our behalf.

Fasts, Retreats, and Sabbath Days

2006-07-12T11:16:00.000-04:00

I use my laptop every day to correspond, plan appointments and trips, research issues affecting our family, interact with other people’s ideas, read the news, and of course, write. Sometimes, though, it feels like my PowerBook and I are becoming one. Even as I’m setting rules and limits on “screen and plug” time for our boys, I’m aware of my own need to de-tox. Fasts from pop culture promote creativity and strengthen weak areas of the soul, and I need them as much as my kids do (if not more).

A retreat is a break from everyday life taken purposefully for prayer and spiritual renewal. In North America, Christian camps and conference centers abound with opportunities for reflection and growth. A couple at our church, for example, raised three kids whose faith survived and even thrived in a relatively hostile public school environment. They firmly believe that a summer of Bible Study, friendships, and worship at a Christian camp helped their children fuel up spiritually before every school year. Scholarships and donations sometimes make camping or retreats a possibility for even low-income families.

The third type of R & R needed to survive pop culture is keeping the Sabbath. One of the best ways to rest is during a walk or hike in a quiet, scenic place. The poet Wendell Berry describes what the soul experiences on a walk:

What is the way to the woods, how do you go there?
By climbing up through the six days’ field,
kept in all the body’s years, the body’s
sorrow, weariness, and joy. By passing through
the narrow gate on the far side of that field
where the pasture grass of the body’s life gives way
to the high, original standing of the trees.
By coming into the shadow, the shadow
of the grace of the strait way’s ending,
the shadow of the mercy of light.

Why must the gate be narrow?
Because you cannot pass beyond it burdened.
To come into the woods you must leave behind
the six days’ world, all of it, all of its plans and hopes.
You must come without weapon or tool, alone,
expecting nothing, remembering nothing,
into the ease of sight, the brotherhood of eye and leaf.

Time without plugging into the “weapons or tools” of popular culture provides the ease of sight we need to return to Wendell Berry’s field. So that's what I'm about to do as I take a two-week hiatus from cyberspace to vacation with my family, leaving the weapon-slash-tool of my laptop waiting for me at home. I'll be back in early August. Peace be with you.

A World Cup Teachable Moment

2006-07-10T09:11:00.000-04:00

A soccer aficionado for decades, my father was dumbfounded by events at this year's final match between France and Italy. "I've never seen a captain of a team be thrown out of the finals and miss the medal ceremony," he said.

I, too, was shocked by the vicious head-butt that earned Zinedine Zidane a red card in the last minutes of the international world cup finals. St. Paul, however, would neither be surprised by Zidane's behavior nor by the universal international outrage:

How can an inspiring human hero lose it and lash out in anger like that? Because "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23)
How can 1 billion people from different cultures agree that Zidane crossed a line, given the diversity of ethics across the planet? Because "when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law, since they show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts now accusing, now even defending them." (Romans 2:14)

Thanks to the brilliance of play he demonstrated in previous games, Zidane won the prestigious "Golden Ball" awarded to the tournament's best player. People won't remember him for his incredible athleticism, leadership, and endurance, however. He'll be memorialized instead by the behavior that led to his eviction and contributed to France's loss.

But the good news is that all fallen heroes are given another chance. Zidane can define his real legacy by emulating of one of Israel's greatest kings -- he can respond courageously with a broken, contrite spirit. Then young footballers around the planet might choose self-control instead of self-indulgence, and Zinedine Zidane, like King David, will see God's power revealed in his weakness.

And that's a far better reward than a Golden Ball.

Parental Company in the Realm of Music

2006-07-05T11:39:00.000-04:00

When I was about twelve, I was belting out a hit song in the shower: "Having my ba-a-aby. I’m a woman in love and I love what’s going through me. Having my ba-a-aby. What a lovely way to say how much you love me." Paul Anka's song was playing non-stop on the radio and the catchy tune engraved the words in my mind.

Leaving the bathroom, I overheard my parents talking (in Bangla, my mother tongue) "What is this 'having my baby' song?" Dad asked.

"Oh my goodness," Mom said. "Do you think she knows about what she is singing?"

Mortified, I realized how the words of the song had sounded to my parents' ears. I wasn't having anybody’s baby, for goodness' sake. Why, then, was I singing about it at the top of my lungs? Thanks to the magic of listening through my parent's ears, I was confronted with the absurdity of one particular song's lyrics.

As we accompany our children into the world of music, their own hearing is sharpened. Our presence in listening to their music as they first venture into pop culture, perhaps even more than our opinions, provides clarity in their own process of discernment. This means reading the lyrics on CD jackets and tuning into their radio station in the car. It may mean banning headphones, allowing them use of the family entertainment system, and staying in the vicinity while they listen. It might also mean discovering God already at work in popular music.

Remember Maltbie Babcock's hymn? "This is my Father’s world. He shines in all that’s fair." While Babcock might have been writing about nature or scenery, Richard Mouw applies the word "fair" more broadly in a book with the same title as the hymn. In an interview with Christianity Today, he made a case for God taking pleasure in some aspects of popular culture:

Common-grace thinking says clearly to me that God isn't exclusively focused on saving souls. Obviously, I don't know whether Barry Bonds is going to end up in heaven, but I think God likes it when he sees him hit a really fine home run. And I don't know whether Tom Hanks is going to end up in heaven, but I do believe that when I take delight in a good acting performance that I'm taking delight in something that God wants me to, that God himself delights in.

And so, while I care deeply about whether these people are going to be saved, my interest in them cannot be exhausted purely in soteriological (having to do with salvation) terms. I can enjoy good musical performances, good works of art, good pieces of writing, because I think God takes delight in them, because the God who called his creation good also says let there be good music and let there be good art, and on occasion looks down on the works of some unbeliever and says, "That's good; I like that."

A key part of our job, then, within the world of pop culture, is to discern with our kids when God might be saying, "That's good; I like that." Together, we go on the hunt for signs of beauty, truth, faith, and love, obeying St. Paul's wise counsel: "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things." (Philippians 4:8) This is our diplomatic call, even in the realm of music.

Sizzling Summer Movie Nights

2006-06-29T18:21:00.000-04:00

Want to make your teens and their buddies feel at home this summer? Darken the room, rent some good movies, and provide comfy couches, chilled soda, and popcorn. The challenge is finding a flick that's fun for teens to watch and life-affirming at the same time. To choose appropriate fare, parents and kids can peruse a few awesome websites together. Not all of these sites come from a Christian perspective, but all offer a "family-friendly" look at movies and media.

Plugged In from Focus on the Family, helps you and your children make wise choices not only about movies, but music and TV too.
US Conference of Catholic Bishops Movie Reviews features short ad-free takes on thousands of films.
Movie Mom gives detailed reviews from a mom who has appeared on numerous radio and TV shows to discuss children and media.
Michael Elliot's Christian Critic provides discussion questions about popular movies for you to use during family devotions. Subscription required for more content.
The Christian Spotlight on Entertainment takes a wide look at pop culture, discussing everything from computer games to music to movies.
Grading the Movies reviews movies, videos, games, and music for parents.
Screenit! Family Movie Reviews lists specific details about violence, sex, profanity, and other objectionable material. Membership required for some content.

The reviewers sometimes disagree, so we usually read at least two takes to get a fuller picture. But even a quick look on one site provides insight on how a movie deals with truth, love, justice, and character ... as well as whether it offers great storytelling and a dose of just plain fun.

Summer's Essential Dose of Boredom

2006-06-26T11:25:00.000-04:00

When I visited the refugee camps along the Thai-Burma border or slum communities in India, I was struck by the gleeful way children played. Using an old bicycle wheel and a stick, for example, or a pile of pebbles, they invented countless games and pastimes. When we returned to life in an American suburb, I was shocked by the absence of play. Where were the kids, anyway? David Elkind’s The Hurried Child posited that they were being shuttled from one adult-organized activity to the next. When they were at home, they didn’t play — they were entertained by other adult-generated activities. Kids in western cultures were forgetting how to play.

Play is defined as “activities bringing amusement or enjoyment, especially the spontaneous activity of young children or young animals.” The intrinsic spontaneity of play is what stimulates a young person’s imagination. Without any adult input, kids must come up with amusement or enjoyment. Benign, distant parental vigilance steers them away from harmful activities (i.e., “when children are bored, they tease the cat”), but provides little or no direction. Our children need an unhurried pace of life, freedom from adult manipulation, and a fair amount of boredom to give their imaginations scope for growth.

So the next time your kids whine, "I'm bo-o-o-red," see it as a sign of good parenting and resist the urge to intervene. A dose of extreme boredom might be exactly what they need ... but keep an eye on the cat.

Diplomacy 101: Courtesy To Youth Culture

2006-06-20T00:14:00.000-04:00

A sad but common turn of events at my stage of life is developing a distaste for youth culture. My own unconfessed prejudice was revealed on a flight from Louisville to Boston. I’d secured an aisle seat towards the front and was looking forward to reading my book in peace.

I was hoping I’d have all three seats in the row to myself when a teen dressed in tight black clothes -- part Goth, part trash queen -- pushed past my knees. She swore as she stumbled into the window seat. Noting her spiky black hair, pale skin, tattoo, and the hook dangling from a pierced lip that accentuated her angry expression, I knew I didn’t have to worry about making small talk. This rebel would have nothing to say to a middle-class middle-aged woman like me.

I went back to my book, but as the plane began to gather speed for takeoff, I noticed the Goth princess hugging herself tightly. I looked over. No way! Yes! This pierced and tattooed alien who’d used the "F-word" instead of "excuse me" was actually ... crying.

My maternal instincts shifted from neutral into high gear. "What’s the matter, sweetheart?" I asked.

"I’m — I’m scared of flying!" she blurted out frantically. An open hand, green fingernails, skull ring, and all, was thrust into the empty seat between us. "Could you hold my hand — just during takeoff and landing?"

I did, of course. She let go only once we were high in the air with the seatbelt sign turned off, and I dried my sweaty palm surreptitiously. My row-mate kept her nose (and hooked lip) plastered against the window and didn’t say a word the whole flight. About twenty minutes before we were scheduled to land, the same open hand plunked down on the empty seat between us. Again I took it, and again she clutched mine until we reached the gate.

We parted without saying much, but I’ll always be thankful for the way this particular traveling companion opened my eyes to the inhabitants of youth culture. Her vulnerability exposed my condemnation and kindled a diplomatic courtesy that had been lacking in my heart. And any ambassador representing the King of hospitality must be armed with courtesy, ready for every green-tipped hand reaching out for His.

Reckless Giving: It's For Your Own Good

2006-06-15T20:57:00.000-04:00

“Get away from my children!” I snapped, pushing through the crowd of Bangladeshi beggars.

A girl with open sores on her face tried to touch the stroller. I wrenched it out of her reach. Once again, my boys were wailing. Once again, I raced to the safety of our gated yard, almost in tears myself.

After studying Third World development in graduate school, I’d had big dreams about becoming a second Mother Theresa as we headed overseas. Instead, I was spending most of my time inside the gates of our home, keeping our twins safe. I'd decided it was impossible to help needy people and parent young children at the same time. After all, Mother Theresa had been a celibate -- she didn't have kids of her own to protect. Especially not from trained beggars who descended on wealthy foreigners like a pack of hungry dogs. We weren’t human beings to them; we were walking dollar bills. Besides, we’d been warned not to contribute to the racket of begging, which encouraged the purposeful abuse of children sent out by money-hungry grownups.

One afternoon, as the four of us boarded a rickshaw, the beggars surrounded us again. “Let’s go, Mom and Dad!” our son called out. “Here come those bad people!”

Rob and I rode home in silence, shocked and grieved by the words that had come out of our son’s mouth. We had longed to raise compassionate children. That's partly why we'd decided to raise kids in the Third World. But now one of our four-year-old sons, adept at understanding our true emotions, was echoing hatred he must have sensed in us.

Suddenly, we realized the problem with not “giving to everyone who asks of you,” as Jesus commanded in the Sermon on the Mount. We were being damaged — our hearts were becoming hard and narrow. And our children’s hearts were endangered also. We needed to do something drastic, even if it did mean running the risk of supporting the Bangladeshi begging racket.

Rob went to the bank and brought home crisp two-taka notes, worth about three pennies each. “We’re going to always have these with us,” he said. “And we’re going to give as many away as we can every day.”

We stayed in our neighborhood and avoided tourist spots where professionals targeted foreigners. After all, we weren’t short-term visitors contributing to the exploitation of unknown child beggars; we were residents who could get to know our neighbors and their stories. Miraculously, our lives began to change. I found myself looking forward to our morning walks instead of dreading them. Instead of recoiling from an outstretched hand, the boys and I pounced on a chance to give away another two-taka note. Best of all, our hearts opened up again towards the Bangladeshi people.

Those two-taka notes taught us a lesson about parenting that we’ll never forget. Our kids will scrutinize our attitudes and responses, figuring out who’s worthy of rejection and who deserves hospitality. And when our Lord commanded His followers to give, it wasn't just for the sake of the recipient. Giving as a spiritual discipline has power to protect us -- and our kids -- from the peril of a narrow heart.

Family Thrills

2006-06-13T12:59:00.000-04:00

Another Saturday at the amusement park. Shrill screams, sweaty crowds, and high-speed whiplash-creating machines. This was our kids' idea of a day in the great outdoors, the only family activity that effortlessly lured them out of the house. After all, why go outside? The exciting stuff happened inside, like destroying warlords at the computer or watching yet another plot-free (according to me) action-adventure movie.

I decided to embark on a one-woman mission. I wasn't ready for them to lose their childlike excitement over simple things. After all, to receive the kingdom of God, we have to retain a childlikeness that enables us to appreciate the wonders of everyday life. Was it already too late? Somehow, I would have to lower my family's threshold for thrill. I wanted us to experience what one of my favorite children's authors, L.M. Montgomery, called "the flash" in Emily of New Moon:

This moment came rarely and went swiftly, leaving her breathless with the inexpressible delight of it ... The wonder of it stayed with her for days. It never came twice with the same thing. Tonight the dark boughs against that far-off sky had given it. It had come with a high, wild note of wind in the night, with a shadow wave over a ripe field, with a greybird lighting on her window-sill in a storm, with the singing of "Holy, Holy, Holy," in church, with a glimpse of the kitchen fire when she had come home on a dark autumn night, with the spirit-like blue of ice palms on a twilit pane ... And always when the flash came to her, Emily felt that life was a wonderful, mysterious thing of persistent beauty.

Could my twenty-first century children, already addicted to human-made adrenaline, ever be thrilled by the beauty of nature? Their view of nature was fundamentally different than mine. I saw rivers carving ancient paths through a deepening canyon. They pictured themselves "canyoneering," or hurling their bodies into the speed of the white water. I saw a high, curved rock jutting out like a sentinel over a lake. They saw a prime spot for bungee jumping. I watched the waves curl into the shore, enjoying the crash and splendor of the ocean's relentless approach. They checked out the surf and wondered how awesome it would be to hang ten on a board.

Nature was becoming just another way to feed their adrenaline addiction. On a recent trip to Mammoth Lakes in California, I gazed up at the steep, snow-covered slopes, wondering if they resented being used for the thrills, chills, and spills of skiing and snowboarding. Was anybody in awe of nature any more? Were today's kids so over-entertained and thrill-saturated they couldn't grasp the majesty and power of nature without exploiting it for adrenaline?

"Natura sola magistra," wrote Joris Hoefnagel, an artist who illuminated manuscripts during the Renaissance. Nature is the only teacher. While I might not agree with the "sola" part of his statement, I know that the writers of the Psalms relied on the teachings of nature. The heavens declared the glory of God; the trees of the field clapped their hands; the winds were divine messengers; and the hills spoke of God's everpresent help.

In a radical shift away from the past, Hoefnagel and his contemporaries studied, painted, and enjoyed nature for its own sake, as well as for what it could reveal about God. Before the Renaissance, people studied the natural world only to discover how useful it could be to human beings. Were we back in the dark ages again?

My family grew weary of my philosophical grumbling. "Okay, okay, Mom," my sons said. "We'll go on a walk with you. But you have to learn to ski with us."

Me? Learn to ski? I was doomed, destined to be a scared, cold, and battered first-timer. Would it be worth it? I gritted my teeth and agreed.

We set out on a short, three-mile hike through Inyo National Forest. Snow had fallen lightly through the night, but it wasn't too deep on the trail. We walked through a forest of frosted evergreens, and I recited a few lines from Robert Frost's familiar poem, "Stopping By the Woods On a Snowy Evening:"

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep.

After that, even I knew enough to stay quiet, apart from a word or two of encouragement. We trudged uphill, climbing to the rim between two huge craters. When we reached the top, flushed and breathless with accomplishment, we looked back across the silent, snowy valley. The sun was low in the winter sky, and the last light sparkled on the icy green ponds deep in the bowl of each crater.

In the stillness, the holiness was tangible; the forest had become a cathedral. Our children's eyes were shining, and I knew they were as thrilled as we were. For a moment, our life as a family was illuminated by the wonder of L. M. Montgomery's "flash."

Now we try to hike together every chance we get. The boys sometimes grumble a bit at the trailhead, but it's become a family habit. After about twenty minutes, the solitude of the countryside weaves its' familiar spell. I can see their threshold for excitement begin to come down.

"Look, Dad!" one of them will call in a low voice. We watch, spellbound, as a pair of deer leap across a meadow.

"Shhh, Mom," another will say, interrupting our conversation. I obey, and we listen to the song of a waterfall spilling into a river.

But my children are not the only ones who've changed. As I snowplow down the bunny slopes, hurtle through the air on a death-defying roller coaster, or cheer the Jedi warriors in their battle against evil, I realize that it's more than just them learning from me. It's the eternal, joyous tug-of-war that takes place with the next generation. The end result, if all goes well, is a much wider space to be thrilled.

This reflection was originally published in US Catholic magazine as an essay entitled "Not So Fast" and is also included in my book, Ambassador Families: Equipping Your Kids To Engage Popular Culture (Brazos Press).

Humor: The Missing Link

2006-06-09T12:32:00.000-04:00

I've always wanted to see a comedian like Jerry Seinfeld or Billy Crystal do a stand-up routine using only the words in the Sermon on the Mount. Why? Because I have a sneaking suspicion that Jesus had the chutzpah to be a riot. So does Earl Palmer, author of Laughter in Heaven: Understanding The Parables of Jesus.

(NOTE: Dr. Palmer was my pastor during grad student days, and will be featured in my as-yet-unwritten-but-sure-to-be-on-Oprah memoir called "CHANGED! How A Bengali Hindu Immigrant Morphed Into A Presbyterian Minister's Wife.")

Hours of sipping chai and sharing chuckles are an essential part of my South Asian cultural heritage. That's probably why one of my favorite scenes in Mel Gibson's Passion is extra-biblical -- the brief clip of Jesus and Mary having a water fight. Our Lord had to be the kind of person you could tease, because nothing shatters barriers between cultures, generations, and genders more effectively than self-deprecatory, intimacy-building wit.

Which brings me to parenting. We older folks take things so SERIOUSLY. When it's time to lighten up and use humor to connect with our teens, here are three guidelines to remember:

You can't get mean. Even when they start calling you "Mom-Deeza" after you choke up at the booting of American Idol's one voluptuous woman of color.

You can't be middle school. Don't go for a bathroom-humor cheap laugh. It's not pretty coming out of a middle-aged mouth. You can, however, indulge in a giggle at their best efforts.

You can't manipulate. Don't use joking as a way to control. They'll see through it every time.

When all else fails, why not challenge them to a "YO MAMA" joke-a-thon? Oh wait. You can't do that, can you? Because you'll end up making fun either of yourself ... or your wife. And believe me, guys, she won't be laughing.

The Art Of Good Questions

2006-06-06T08:49:00.000-04:00

"Your mother sure asks a lot of personal questions."

When my sons reported this feedback to me, I was appalled. The day before, we had taken a friend of theirs to lunch. Immediately after the food was served, the three boys had fallen into one of those extended, uncomfortable (to me) adolescent guy quiet spells. Seeking respite from the long stretches of silent chewing, I began to do what comes naturally to me -- asking questions. Apparently, though, I'd crossed a line from interested into intrusive, and had made our guest feel uncomfortable and overpowered.

But questions are important, I thought defensively. One of the saddest statements about the human condition comes in John 4:27, after Jesus has engaged in intimate conversation with the woman at the well:

Just then his disciples returned and were surprised to find him talking with a woman. But no one asked, "What do you want?" or "Why are you talking with her?

Skimming through the rest of John's gospel, I considered the way Jesus employed questions. How did he build intimacy and connect without overpowering those he encountered? Skipping over the rabbinical-style of Q & A commonly used as a teaching tool, I discovered three dont's about the art of good conversational questions from our Lord:

Don't ask questions because you're uncomfortable with silence. When the conversation stalls at a dinner party, I'm the kind of person who tries to re-stoke the bonhomie by asking a clever or provocative question. I might seem like a good guest to invite to your casual gathering, but this tendency to "save the day" might actually hinder something that God intends to do in the midst of an uncomfortable silence. If I shut up, someone else might steer the conversation in a direction that's more in line with God's purposes. People might actually have the chance to think, reflect, process, or simply enjoy being together in the moment, without the noise of my voice filling the silence.

Jesus knew when to keep quiet. At the Passover dinner, he took the time to wash their feet in what I imagine must have been a silence filled with tension: "He got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." (John 13:4). Finally, he came to Simon Peter, who (like me) couldn't take it anymore, and burst out with: "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"

What if Jesus had chatted away the entire time he was cleansing their feet, asking inconsequential questions? "How DID these feet get so dirty, John? Blah, blah, blah?" Could the discomfort in the room have reached the level it needed to provoke the intimate conversation that followed immediately afterwards? I doubt it.

Don't use questions to ferret out juicy secrets about a person's past. As a writer, I'm naturally curious about the details of others' stories. This means that I can abuse questions to satisfy my own need for intimate information about people's heartaches and struggles. Jesus never did this. "Do you want to be well?" he asked, ushering the paralytic by the pool into a changed future in John 5:6. I might have chosen to ask a more intrusive, past-focused question: "So tell me ... how in the world did you end up like this, dude?" Don't get me wrong -- I'm not dissing the power of therapeutic questions. But our Lord reminds me that they must be asked out of a genuine concern for healing, not motivated by a self-centered hunger for gossipy information.

Don't be afraid to ask questions that reveal your own needs. In an encounter with someone in a less powerful position than yours (i.e., adult with a child), using questions to ask for help or company breaks down barriers. "Will you get me a drink?" Jesus asked the woman at the well in John 4:7, shocking her with a request for her assistance. "You do not want to leave too, do you?" He asked the Twelve in John 6:67, expressing his need for their fidelity when others were giving up on him. (This question evoked a particularly tenderhearted response from Peter: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.")

Realizing that I had violated all three of these guidelines during that ill-fated lunch, I penned a note of apology to the boys' friend on my best stationery. The post-school report was that he read it, smiled, and tucked it into his backpack. We're going out to lunch again, and this time, I plan to employ the art of questions the Jesus way -- (1) sparingly, (2) lovingly, and (3) truthfully.

Mothering: It Just Might Kill You

2006-06-03T08:52:00.000-04:00

Women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety (1 Timothy 2:15, NIV). Talk about confusing biblical passages. My kids are adopted, so I've never been through childbirth. Does that mean I don't have access to this mysterious "safety?" Besides, how can such an agonizing experience keep a woman safe? From start to finish, motherhood is fraught with danger, as Jesus alluded to in describing the end of time: "How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers!" (Luke 21:23a, NIV).

I'm not heading into debate about that verse in Paul's letter to Timothy or the ones that follow because I'm no theologian. But I am a mother, and in that role, I've eked out a glimmer of meaning for myself from the passage. The Greek for "kept safe" (sozo) can be translated as "restored" or "made well." In short, this text might be affirming that wholehearted mothering is a way to flee the traps of deception.

Rich Lamb (author of the excellent book The Pursuit Of God In The Company Of Friends, IVP) recently featured a quote in a letter about the sanctification that accompanies a calling:

...What distinguishes a vocation from the rigors of profession is this: you have to die to enter a vocation. A profession summons the best from you. A vocation calls you away from what you thought was best in you, purifies it, and promises to make you something or someone you are not yet ... A vocation puts an end to you in order to disclose your true end. (Richard Lisher, The End Of Words, Eerdmans, p. 32-33).

Here's a classified ad I'd like to see on craigslist (probably under jobs, nonprofit sector): "Need help putting your selfish nature to death on a daily basis? Why not try raising a child with a mother-heart? Because it's not just a job, it's a vocation." Of course, all women are not called to be mothers; other vocations as defined above are capable of changing your life from the inside out -- like passionate fathering, for example. (I close by reflecting on how switching the "o" in "vocation" to an "a" transforms it into a much-needed gift ... hooray for summer!)

X3: Wolverine As Role Model

2006-05-30T21:17:00.000-04:00

It was the opening weekend of X3: The Last Stand, and we sat in the fourth row of the theater with our heads tilted way back. I cast sideways glances at our boys' rapt faces as they watched Wolverine claw his way to victory. Actor Hugh Jackman's wolf-slash-man-slash-mutant character portrays masculine heroism in several ways:

When a lady love comes on strong, he discerns the difference between lust and love and puts on the brakes.
He's a team player, realizing he must rely on the gifts of others to lead well and defeat the enemy.
He challenges conformity while retaining nobility of character and unswerving loyalty to the cause.

David Murrow, author of Why Men Hate Going to Church, thinks we need to invite this kind of robust masculinity into our churches, especially for the sake of the next generation:

Just 35% of American men say they attend church weekly, he reports, and women make up more than 60% of the typical congregation on a given Sunday. Murrow contends that the church caters to women, children and the elderly by creating a safe, predictable environment. This alienates anyone fond of risk taking, including young men and women, but men are affected most. In order to reach men, Murrow suggests, churches must "adjust the thermostat" to embrace the masculine spirit: let men lead; give them tasks; encourage pastors to show strength and teach men through object lessons, letting them discover truth for themselves. (Publisher's Weekly, March 24, 2004).

As a mother of sons, I think he's right. In the over-feminized culture of the evangelical church, where women sing choruses about our "lips quivering" with love for Jesus, our boys could definitely use a more Wolverine-ish approach to Christian discipleship.

Parenting in Times of Tragedy

2006-05-29T22:33:00.000-04:00

More casualties in Iraq. The earthquake in Indonesia continues to claim victims. Heartbreaking news from Uganda about the plight of child soldiers. The genocide within Burma's borders moves forward. Tragedy, it seems, is traveling across the planet like a virulent disease, and technology brings the progress of it into our homes 24/7. Quickly, we flip the channel to something more palatable. But is that the best we can do? How do we parent proactively in the face of such sorrow and suffering? Here's an article to get the conversation started. At the very least, we can remember with our kids how Jesus predicted events like these, and that we look forward to a time and place without grieving, loss, or mourning. In the meantime, we pray for grace to heal, restore, and repair as God leads.

High Waists and Old Dockers

2006-05-26T09:49:00.000-04:00

"The waistline of your pants looks like it's about three inches below your chin, Mom. Not cool."

"Dad! Your shorts are TOO SHORT. They look like girly-shorts."

Neither of us are shoppers. We don't want to throw out perfectly decent clothes, even though the last time they were in style was during the Clinton Administration. (Okay, I confess: I actually acquired those particular jeans during the Reagan years.) It looks tacky when a middle-aged woman tries to dress like a teen, I protest. And why should the vagaries of the runway determine how I spend my money, anyway? Some people can barely afford one shirt -- how can I spend money on more clothes for myself when my closet is already full? I dress for comfort and economy, I tell my kids smugly, not for other people's eyes.

But is that the right way to approach dress? Our clothes are part of the message we send to other people. We used to make fun of the polyester pants worn by alumni visiting our college campus. Their adherence to the fashions of yore made them seem inflexible and uninterested in anything new or fresh.

Should parents who are trying to resist the lure of consumerism change our couture to placate our teens? Or maybe I should ask the question a different way: Should middle-aged people modify our outward adornment to reflect a teachable heart and an openness to learning from the younger generation? After all, you can always give your old clothes away when you buy new ones.

Oh, well. I may just start wearing sarees -- they're so timeless and counter-cultural, I'll probably come across as the ultimate in cool.

Selling In The Parent-Free Zone

2006-05-24T22:04:00.000-04:00

The American goverment tells us that parents are the anti-drug:

Your words and actions matter. Two-thirds of teens say that losing their parents' respect and pride is one of the main reasons they don't smoke marijuana or use other drugs.

But others seem to think that we have little or no influence over our teens. This July 13th, the movers and shakers who market brands and products to teens are offering a conference called "What Teens Want: Creatively Reaching Today's Teens through Music, Media, Movies, Videogames, Sports and Online." Here's how they issue the invitation:

Teenagers spent over $158 billion in 2005 and are expected to spend $205 billion in 2008. If you want a share of the teen market, this is the event you need to attend.

Whose money are these delectable consumers spending anyway? Ours. Do these salesmen (the conference features only two female speakers) think that our kids never discuss their purchases with us? That we're ready to sign a check or hand over a credit card without any questions? Apparently. Take a look at the parent-free programming they're offering:

OPENING KEYNOTE: STREET SMARTS
Get the latest news on what’s bubbling up from the streets into the mainstream. Hear how emerging trends impact new products and services, the buzz of the moment and how to keep a marketing campaign authentic with this savvy group of consumers. Samantha Skey, Senior Vice President, Strategic Marketing, Alloy Media + Marketing and Tru Pettigrew, Senior Vice President, Multicultural and Urban Marketing, Alloy Media + Marketing.

IN MOTION
Today's dynamic teen market uses brands to invent its identity in everything from music to technology to fashion. Ringtones sales alone will hit $1 billion by 2008. Howard Handler explores how Virgin markets its brands to reach teens through imaginative, targeted strategies and communication. Howard Handler, Chief Marketing Officer, Virgin Mobile, USA.

MOVIE MADNESS
Sony Screen Gems reveals the elusive formula in creating a story that sticks for teens and then marketing to them through a range of media. Learn how to use nontraditional marketing strategies to keep teens coming back for encore performances and buying the DVD, video game and related merchandise. Clint Culpepper, President, Screen Gems, a division of Sony Pictures Entertainment
Marc Weinstock, Executive Vice President, Marketing, Screen Gems, a division of Sony Pictures Entertainment.

STYLE WISE
Fashion and style marketers share secrets on how to get it right. They tell how to launch a new product using teens as the marketers, how to mix media to let teen consumers navigate through retail environments, real or virtual, and what trends will make it though to the next season. Ashley Heather, Chief Executive Officer, Entertainment Media Works, Dave Knox, Teen External Relations Manager, P&G Beauty, Heidi Minx, President/Muse, Franky & Minx, Moderated by Chauncey Zalkin, Founder, Girl-on-the-Street.

SUPER SPORTS
The action sports craze hasn’t simmered down; it has become highly integrated into the social fabric for both boys and girls. Lifestyle marketers share how they have been successful in creating networked communities that constantly reinvent action sports and keep it fresh in apparel, equipment and retailing.

TECH HEADS
What’s new in movies on phones and TV on iPods? What’s the hottest online community today? Where is the wireless revolution taking teen products next? Sophisticated tech experts present the latest news on using mobile and online tools to reach niche customers and market to them when and where they want it. Greg Clayman, VP, Wireless Strategy & Operations, MTV Networks, Larry Shapiro, Executive Vice President and General Manager, North America Mobile, Walt Disney Internet Group, Greg Tseng, Chief Executive Officer, Tagged.com, Bill Nielsen, Senior Director, Xbox Global Partnership Marketing, Moderated by Jim Edwards, Senior Editor, Brandweek.

MUSIC TO THEIR EARS
New bands showcase on video games. Music is an integral part of TV serials. Songs carry the moment on every screen. Innovators and creative marketers present case studies on using music as a successful marketing strategy. Steve Greenberg, President, Columbia Records, Howie Kleinberg, Senior Vice President, ElectricArtists, Josh Rabinowitz, Senior Vice President, and Director of Music, Grey Worldwide, Moderated by Scott McKenzie, Group Editorial Director, Billboard Information Group.

REALITY CHECK
Teens call the shots in a candid conversation of what turns them on and what turns them away. Moderated by Jenna Mielnicki, Marketing Director, Teen Vogue.

Let's hope this last panel provides the wakeup call for these marketing gurus: our teens are not alone, waiting for the perfect sales pitch with unlimited discretionary money. We stand with them, and so does their Maker, who cares very much about how they spend their money.

Children: The Great Omission?

2006-05-23T12:06:00.000-04:00

We live in a world that venerates youthfulness but in reality seems only to exploit young people. Monica Klepac, working with Word Made Flesh in Romania, writes in the Summer 2005 issue of The Cry:

I believe the epidemic of child servitude is a symptom of our unwillingness to serve children. Many of us want to have them around, like an agreeable pet, but we do not want to give of ourselves to serve them. Oh yes, we will give them things: toys, TV’s, cars, video games – anything that will keep them quiet and out of our hair. But to give of ourselves to them our time, our energy, our attention – those things that are truly precious to us – we would rather keep that for ourselves. Although we love to see their round, smiling faces, our society often regards children as a burden, not a blessing. From the womb to death row, children are seen as expendable when they inconvenience individuals or society.

Viva Network's The Great Omission website lists troubling statistics like these: over half a billion children are struggling to survive on under $1 per day, 250,000 children and young people are infected with HIV/AIDS every month, 246 million children are child laborers, and 8.4 million children are trapped in slavery, trafficking, debt bondage, prostitution, pornography and other illicit activities.

Overwhelming? Yes. The final word? Definitely not. Viva's worldwide day of prayer for children at risk takes place the first Saturday of June each year. This year it's scheduled for June 3-4, 2006. Why not participate with your kids, their youth group, and/or your church at large? Viva also provides great resources to help you pray with your kids for children at risk across the planet.

Game Your Way To Financial Savvy!

2006-05-17T12:28:00.000-04:00

I didn't grow up getting an allowance. If I needed to buy something, I had to either earn the money myself or ask my parents for it. By the time I was fourteen, I grew tired of wheedling them for cash. I spent the entire summer babysitting a brat at the dismal rate of seventy-five cents an hour. After eight forty-hour weeks, I had earned $240, and believe me, I didn't spend it lightly. That's one way to learn the value of money -- by shedding sweat and tears to earn every penny.

The other necessity for acquiring financial savvy is wise parental guidance. My husband worked several jobs as a teen, but he also started getting an allowance during elementary school. Like his father before him, he excels at this area of parenting -- teaching our boys to tithe, save, stay out of debt, and plan carefully before splurging on major purchases.

"I didn't impulse-buy anything," the boys announce proudly, returning from an information-gathering trip to Best Buy with their Dad.

Sadly, though, it seems that most parents aren't serving as money-managing role models. In a Time magazine article called The ABCs of Money, Wendy Cole reports on the absence of financial wisdom in our kids' generation:

Over the past decade, the average credit-card debt of Americans ages 18 to 24 doubled, to nearly $3,000. Among high school seniors, 4 out of 5 have never taken a personal-finance class, but nearly half have an ATM debit card, and more than a quarter have bounced a check, according to a survey of 5,775 teens, released in April by the nonprofit JumpStart Coalition For Financial Literacy.

For parents who feel ill-equipped (like me) to teach financial savvy, Cole highlights a tool that might help:

Wells Fargo Bank is providing an online role-playing video game (Windows Systems only) aimed at teaching teens and young adults the basics of financial management -- with no strings attached, although Wells Fargo wouldn't object if users ended up opening accounts at the bank.

Of course, like most things in parenting, handling money well is a habit that's better caught than taught (even via a video game). For more help in getting your own finances straight, read The Debt Slayers in the May 2006 issue of Christianity Today. The article provides links to financial managers Dave Ramsey, Mary Hunt and Gary Moore, whose websites provide information about their ministries, money management, and what the Bible has to say about giving.

Church: Relevant Or Alternative?

2006-05-16T11:49:00.000-04:00

In her intriguing article "God's Call Comes By Cell Phone," reporter Stephanie Simon of the Los Angeles Times describes a church to which I might not have to drag my teen sons:

An evangelical church in Granger, Ind., put up billboards a few months back showing a rumpled bed, entwined feet and a URL address called mylamesexlife.com. That site linked to an artsy mini-movie with shots of a seedy motel and a man sunk in morning-after regret.

"Is your sex life a bore? A chore? … Why does it seem like everyone else is having all the fun?" the text asked. As the movie ended, viewers for the first time saw the logo of Granger Community Church, which was sponsoring five weeks of sermons on sex, lust and porn. The tagline: "We're not afraid to talk about it."

Pastor Mark Beeson credits the campaign with boosting attendance 70% the week he gave a sermon entitled "The Greatest Sex You'll Ever Have." Six weeks after the series ended, weekly church attendance still topped 6,000, up from 5,000 before the ad campaign.

"We dare not change the Gospel. But the method of delivery? We better change it for each new generation," said Beeson, who preaches in front of a floor-to-ceiling video screen. His latest sermon series, which starts next week, is called "Finding God in Your iPod;" he promises to analyze spiritual yearnings in songs from Coldplay, Kenny Chesney and other artists.

While I can imagine my boys responding to such relevancy, I also wonder if the church shouldn't be a respite from the glut of screens and plugs in the rest of their lives. How will this lonely generation learn to handle the mess of real community and intimacy? I'm all for excellence, but shouldn't church be a place where we don't value the slick and professional, but rather welcome the odd and eccentric?

Theologian Philip Kenneson voices another concern: When churches measure success by how many times a sermon is downloaded, Christianity becomes just another consumer product. "There's a danger that it encourages people to see the church as a service agency, there to meet their particular needs rather than to help them serve God," Kenneson said.

It's easy to reassure yourself that you are, in fact, a Christian because you're … consuming Christian products," he said. "Then I don't have to love my neighbor or pray for my enemy or … take on any of the messy, difficult demands of the Gospel," said Kenneson, an associate professor at Milligan College in Tennessee and co-author of Selling Out The Church: The Dangers of Church Marketing.

To communicate thousand-year-old truths to our shattered young people, shouldn't we strive to be relevant and alternative? If so, how?

Are We Addicted Or Connected?

2006-05-15T11:15:00.000-04:00

Friday night used to be our family movie and pizza night. But tonight all four of us are sitting in front of different computer screens. The boys are gaming with their Dad but they're all three in separate rooms. I am blogging on my laptop and battling an uneasy sense that we're slowly becoming a family of Internet addicts. What do the experts say about letting our kids spend time in cyberspace?

In Young And Wired, an excellent article in the San Francisco Chronicle, Katherine Seligman asks, "How will the sheer amount of time spent plugged in affect our kids?" Is screen time all bad? Are there any positives? Is the human brain really wired to multi-task? How can we know if our child's (or our own) computer use has become an addiction? One of the therapists Seligman interviewed treats Internet addicts, and offers this warning:

...Parents should be concerned if the computer seems to be replacing family and friends, if it's the main source of emotional life or is disrupting school work. Increased tolerance -- needing to play for longer periods of time to be satisfied -- also might signify trouble, as does increased anxiety or moodiness when away from the computer. Sometimes ... students themselves say they feel out of control. They may have back aches or eye strain and stop taking care of themselves physically.

Hey, wait a minute. My back aches and my eyes are bothering me. I thought it was middle age, but maybe there's another explanation ...

Video Games That Change The World

2006-05-11T08:19:00.000-04:00

MTV reports on a new trend in social video gaming:

Joe Zaki isn't your traditional superhero. The skinny, unassuming 22-year-old character is a nutritionist with the U.N. World Food Programme. Yet hundreds of thousands of people know of his relief efforts on the crisis-stricken island of Sheylan.

Zaki doesn't actually exist, nor does Sheylan. But the platform on which Zaki and his fictional homeland are presented, the WFP's Food Force video game, is one of the hottest downloads on the Internet.

The game is a humanitarian effort comprising six relief missions that mirror real-world aid efforts going on around the world. It's one of many pro-social video games aimed at showing young people that heroes aren't always supersized and brains can trump brawn in getting out of dangerous situations.

Visit ThinkMTV to download games like Simbabwe 1.0 (fight oppression), MassBalance (successfully balance the state budget), Steer Madness (protect the environment), and UNICEF's World Heroes game.

Biblical Sexuality For Young Women

2006-05-09T13:55:00.000-04:00

The Center For Parent and Youth Understanding (a great resource for parents) offers a new bible study for girls exploring their sexuality called "A Discussion Guide on the Body and Soul of a Young Woman:"

"Feminine Sexuality" aims to initiate conversation about the struggle to live as sexual human beings and also remain faithful to the truth of Scripture by addressing such topics as intimacy, desire, fear of rejection, longing, beauty and others. The first three sections (are) Redefining Sexuality; Beauty, Ideals, and Idols; and Physical Intimacy. The fourth section, Redemption, attempts to address each of the previous three sections and place them firmly in the context of the biblical narrative. Ultimately, the hope is that girls would leave these discussions knowing that God’s story is big enough to address their questions and experiences as young women, in body and soul.

Video Games: Let The Wild Rumpus Begin!

2006-05-08T09:41:00.000-04:00

Is your son an avid gamer? Why not connect with his world by keeping tabs on the E3 Video Game Convention taking place in New York City this week? The New York Times sums up some exciting developments in the gaming world which might lead to more creative, innovative products. Nintendo, especially, seems to be carving out a less violent, more kid-friendly market niche with the release of the console Wii:

Nintendo's apparent lead in development reflects a fundamental difference in how the company is approaching this next generation of systems. While Microsoft and Sony have been pushing to give their systems as much sheer graphics and computing power as possible, Nintendo has focused more on developing innovative games ...

"We think that a lot of people don't necessarily want to play a game that takes 40 hours to finish, or a game where you have to spend an hour reading a manual," said George Harrison, senior vice president for marketing at Nintendo of America. "Maybe they just want to have fun for 20 minutes or a half-hour at a time, and we are trying to broaden the gaming market again by appealing to that person. So instead of focusing on getting the absolute most powerful technology into our products, we want to focus on making that basic game experience as attractive and compelling as possible."

What Would Jesus Direct?

2006-05-05T10:44:00.000-04:00

The Tribeca Film Festival sponsored a panel discussion last Tuesday in Manhattan called "What Would Jesus Direct?" The panelists discussed a growing trend in film of exploring questions of faith:

The religious product market is an $8 billion a year business so it’s no wonder that following the blockbuster success of Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ, Hollywood began to mine the Christian market with hopes that the faithful would follow. And they have. In a movement that mixes spirituality with economics studios are embracing a future of filmmaking that includes having a little faith in faith. Academy Award® winning actor Cuba Gooding Jr. (Jerry Maguire, As Good as It Gets) Grace Hill Media President Jonathan Bock, Walden Media President Michael Flaherty (Chronicles of Narnia, Because of Winn-Dixie) and producer Ralph Winter (X-Men, Fantastic Four) join us to discuss.

Yahoo! Movies reported on the event:

"On Sunday, 43 percent of America was in church," Jonathan Bock ... said. "For studios to not recognize that's an audience is like them saying, 'We're not marketing movies to men.'"

...Bock predicted religious movies would see a growth pattern similar to that of movies made by and about African-Americans. "There were these 'blaxploitation' films made for very small budgets, then (it went) through maybe you can make a buddy comedy, and (then you) get to the point where stories of African-Americans could be out there," Bock said.

"There have been movies made that were low budget, let's call them 'Godsploitation films.' If they make money, they'll try more," he said, noting that New Line Cinema was working on a film called "Nativity" about the birth of Jesus with "a pretty significant budget."

Bock said that even the upcoming "The Da Vinci Code," condemned by many Christians for undermining their religion by saying Jesus was married and had children, was a movie that would probably be seen by a lot of Christians who realize it is better to see it and argue back than to boycott it.

"What they've come to believe is if the whole world wants to talk about Jesus, then let's be ready to have that conversation," he said.

Our kids will need to engage their generation intelligently and imaginatively as questions of faith are presented by the great filmmakers of the future. What's the best way to equip them for this great opportunity? As always, we train our disciples in the art of good conversation as Jesus did near that well in Samaria so long ago -- by example.

Dinner Table Ethics: Kaavya Viswananathan

2006-05-03T13:42:00.000-04:00

The media frenzy over the Harvard teen accused of plagiarism provides a great opportunity to discuss ethics with our own teens. The nineteen-year-old's defense is that she has a photographic memory and that the copying was unconscious and unintentional.

It's wrong to copy passages from another person's book and pass it off as our own work. What about mimicking someone else's style of writing without lifting actual phrases or sentences? Is that plagiarism? How is plagiarism different from quoting and/or paraphrasing something from a book in a paper for school?

If Kaavya is telling the truth and it was unintentional, would that make a difference? And, given that there's a chance that she is telling the truth, shouldn't we err on the side of believing and trusting her? Aren't we called to defend when an accused person is pelted gleefully by others, even as Jesus did with the woman caught red-handed in plagiarism ... er, I mean adultery? In a culture where it's cool to be cynical and think the worst, it seems harder to be labeled naive than to "hope all things."

Family Devotional: Nickelback and Psalm 90

2006-05-01T15:10:00.000-04:00

Why not try something new tonight for your family prayer time? Read the SOS in Psalm 90 (v.12: "Lord, teach me to number my days that I might present to Thee a heart of wisdom") and then watch Nickelback's "Savin' Me" video with your teens. How are the cries for help alike? How are they different? Read the lyrics to Nickelback's hit song, which is #18 on the iTunes top 100 downloads:

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

[Chorus:]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

[Chorus]

Hurry I'm fallin'

All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

[Chorus]

Hurry I'm fallin'

The popularity of this song underlines yet again this generation's longing to be known, loved, and rescued by the living God. May the singers and the listeners of this song alike meet the one true Lover who comes leaping and bounding over the mountains to save His beloved.

Blessed Are The Recreational Vehicles

2006-04-30T22:16:00.000-04:00

RV may have been the big moneymaker in the country last weekend, but in Cambridge, Massachusetts where we watched it on Saturday night, there were only two other families in the theater. This sparse attendance in our part of America was ironic because the film attempts to bridge the gap between the coasts and the heartland. In the movie, the Gornicke family, a homeschooling, country-music-crooning "uncool" family, serves as the agent of redemption for the suburban, coast-dwelling "cool" Munro family. My takeaway for ambassador parenting? Refer to RV when my kids (or we as a family) balk at the possibility of forging a friendship with someone who doesn't feel like friend material at first. "Maybe we should be open to the possibility. God loves to use unlikely people to do good things in our lives. Like in that movie RV, remember?"

Hey Teen Magazines, Listen Up!

2006-04-27T16:02:00.000-04:00

Mediaweek reports that magazines aimed at teen girls are losing circulation, especially Teen People:

Teen People now has a new team to help turn business around. Last fall, it brought back one of its founding editors, Lori Majewski — most recently executive editor of Wenner Media’s Us Weekly — to be managing editor ... “We need to fix this brand,” Majewski said. “In delivering what these kids want to read on the Internet and in the magazine, I want to see both dramatically improve.” Majewski says despite the challenge of today’s news cycle, the magazine will remain relevant by breaking stories (it snagged the first interview with Nick Lachey after his divorce). It aims to grab teens with racy cover lines like “What’s Your Sex IQ?”

Sometimes the publishing gurus can't see the forest OR the trees. Here's my theory: teens (15-up) who buy their own mags want to be caught reading People, Cosmopolitan, Vogue, and other "sophisticated" women's magazines. That means the so-called "teen" magazines are being read by 11-14 year-olds. This, however, is a group who still must get purchases approved by M-O-M because M-O-M is the one who takes them to Walmart. Since there aren't very many mothers on the planet who would rejoice over their 12-year old girl's high sex IQ, I'd recommend a change of strategy.

But of course, who's going to listen to M-O-M? Probably not the marketing-to-teens experts, who seem to think they know their readers better than we do. That's why I'm rooting for publications like Justine Magazine, Guideposts Sweet 16, and Brio, which actually seem to grasp the demographic of their consumers -- and the power of M-O-M.

Ask Your Kids To Change Your Life

2006-04-26T18:54:00.000-04:00

I'm thrilled about the recovery of spiritual direction in the church. Just as overweight people with bad habits can get in shape by working with a personal trainer, we grow spiritually when someone pushes us to change bad habits and recover good ones.

But if you don't have the time or inclination to pursue the discipline of spiritual direction, try this quick "cheat" instead. While relaxing with your teens, ask them to finish this sentence: "If I could change one thing about you, Mom (or Dad), I'd want you to be less ___________." Prohibit answers like "strict about curfew." The missing part of the sentence must be related to your character. And promise them you won't get defensive; anything goes, no parental rebuttals allowed.

I've just crawled to the finish line of a book deadline, for example, trying to convince myself that my work wasn't affecting the family or the atmosphere at home. But when I asked our boys to fill in the blank the other night, they both immediately answered, "stressed out about your writing." I stifled my defensive reaction by remembering the ground rules: no excuses. Guess it's time to haul my harried psyche and my writing vocation into the Holy Presence again. Thanks, boys. Ouch.

Christianity In A Consumer Culture

2006-04-24T01:07:00.000-04:00

North American Christians often challenge churches in Asia, Africa, or the Middle East to reject syncretism, defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as "the combination of different forms of belief or practice." But lest we think we're off the hook, consider a conference this upcoming weekend designed to explore the strange mésalliance of consumerism and Christianity in our own context:

Consumerism shapes the way we relate to each other, to our society, and to our God. Christians need to intentionally and carefully navigate our consumer culture, responding to its dangerous complexities with a deepening awareness of its promises and perils. The Conference on Christianity and the Consumer Culture will be both informative, fostering a deeper understanding of consumerism and its role within our society, as well as formative, providing strategies for faithful living in light of the promises and perils inherent to our consumer culture. Towards this end, we will bring together Christian thinkers and practitioners who will offer analysis of the way our consumer culture shapes Christianity in America as we cultivate practices which will help us faithfully respond to Consumerism as a driving force in our society.

Speakers include Rodney Clapp, Vincent Miller, Ron Sider, and Sondra Miller. Other Christians argue that faith in Jesus and consumerism can co-exist without contradiction, but it's worth asking the crucial questions of when, why, and how -- especially if we're striving to pass on a non-syncretistic faith to the next generation.

A Bengali Voice in Fort Smith, Arkansas

2006-04-12T23:48:00.000-04:00

As a brown-skinned immigrant who's always lived in coastal cities, I used to be a bit hesitant about traveling to the rural South. But two things have helped eliminate that silly fear. First, in one of those odd and surprising life twists that can happen in middle age, I've become a fan of country music (much to the chagrin of my hip-hop/reggae-loving teens.) Second, the warm welcome I get from readers and radio listeners in the South have made me eager to visit in person. Today, for example, I took a brief but refreshing break from the painful task of revising to do a radio interview about parenting and pop culture on the Steve Duignan Show in Fort Smith, Arkansas (it's mid-South, I know). You can download the 20 minute conversation here, if you're interested. And this June, I'll be heading to Louisiana for the first time to experience the renewed hospitality of New Orleans. For now, though, it's back to work.

Thirty Silver Coins: A Poem

2006-04-07T09:21:00.000-04:00

As we head into Holy Week, consider some verses that are not often discussed at Easter, but are significant to me:

So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself. The chief priests picked up the coins and said, "It is against the law to put this into the treasury, since it is blood money." So they decided to use the money to buy the potter's field as a burial place for foreigners. That is why it has been called the Field of Blood to this day. (Matthew 27:5-8, NIV)

Do you glimpse the grace Jesus gave to the alien and stranger, providing by His blood even the means to relinquish our dead? I leave you with a poem I wrote as a response to such generosity.

Thirty Silver Coins
by Mitali Perkins

I need a place to bury my dead.
I own no land.
No part of this country is mine.
No dust to take her bones and blood from my hands.
Where may I lay her down to rest?
Kneel by her grave and weep my farewell?
Who will grant me the gift of grief
in this place where I don’t belong?

The news spreads through our tents and shacks like birdsong:
We have some soil.

It’s strewn with shards of ceramic,
broken bits of pots and cups,
clay of no use or value.
I’ll pick them up, clean the ground with my hands,
and make a holy place for her.
I’ll water the dirt with my tears.

Who paid for it?

The piles of bodies had grown, the stench,
disease adding more to the heap.
We begged, we cried, we pleaded:
We die, too. We are not just passing through.
No word. A civic silence.

Who spoke for us?

The coins were stained with blood, I’m told.
They were useless, too, like the clay, like the dead.
Now our bones, blood, and flesh
will mingle with theirs under the ground.
An inheritance for our beloved.
I weep, and bury her,
and whisper my thanks to the Unknown.

Note: I'm working on a young adult novel that's due by the end of the month, so I'm taking a hiatus from blogging for a couple of weeks. God willing, I'll be done with the revision on 4/24. If you want to know more about my books for young readers, visit the Fire Escape, and please, pray for me.

Pro-Life Feminism

2006-04-06T12:54:00.000-04:00

Just as "evangelical" and "women's rights" sound to some like polar opposites, our culture's created the trap of equating feminism with a pro-choice position. But that's a fallacy, too. Patricia Heaton of Everybody Loves Raymond fame is the honorary chair of a non-sectarian, non-partisan organization called Feminists For Life whose motto is "Women Deserve Better."

While organizations like these are starting to make a difference on college campuses, young women are still being taught that they can't fight abortion and advocate for women at the same time. It's important to help their generation (and ours) separate the two issues emotionally. Consider this BBC article about female foeticide creating such a shortage of women in the Indian state of Haryana that young women are being bought and sold, often against their will. Ask yourself and your daughter: what does it mean to advocate for women's rights when the right to choose an abortion creates an epidemic of female trafficking?

As a postscript, if gender-detection technology had been around in India four decades ago, there probably wouldn't be a Mitali blogging right now. I was a third daughter conceived by parents who desperately wanted to produce a son in a society that devalued girl babies. They adore me now, of course, but back when I was a fetus, it might have been tempting to get rid of me and try again.

A New Kind Of Young Manhood?

2006-04-03T22:01:00.000-04:00

The NCAA finals are a showcase of young masculinity, and attract mostly young male viewers. The NCAA has standards of advertising, but in the past, Madison Avenue has been famous for pushing the envelope. You'd think the ads would try to be as MTV-ish to Maxim-ish as possible in flavor, right? But as I watched the ads last night, I was struck by the fact that sex wasn't being used to sell products. Even the beer commercials used clean humor to capture viewer attention instead of scantily-clad female bodies. For once, the immature, bawdy MTV mook version of a man was nowhere in sight.

So how were the marketing experts defining the demographic of young male viewers last night? The ads seemed to be aimed at techno-savvy twenty-and-thirty-somethings who value connections with family and community and yet at the same time want a risk-taking, edgy, successful, stand-out-from-the-crowd kind of life. Hmmm ... apart from the focus on material success and self-indulgence, this sounds more like a description of a follower of Jesus than a mook.

Here's a sampling of the advertisers and the slogans they used:

Degree: "For Men Who Take Risks"
Microsoft: "Software For The People-Ready Business"
Ipod + Itunes: "1000 Songs In Your Pocket"
Capital One: "What's In Your Wallet?"
Gillette: "The Best A Man Can Get"
Burger King: "Wake Up With The King"
The Hartford: "Prepare To Live"
Nissan Xterra: "Show Us Your X"
Circuit City: "Just What I Needed"
Citizens bank: "Not Your Typical Bank"
FedExKinkos: "Our Office Is Your Office"
JetBlue: "We Relish The Opportunity To Serve You"
Cingular: "Raising The Bar"
GM: "Then, Now, Always"
ATT: "Your World, Delivered"
Lowes: "Let's Build Something Together"
Miller Lite: "Good Call"
Mercedes Benz: "Unlike Any Other"
AIG: "Think Of The Little Ones"
Enterprise: "We'll Pick You Up"
Bud Lite: "Always Worth It"

Are the times a'changin'? Is this a trend that parents of young men can celebrate? Will the mook approach to masculinity fade from the pop culture scene? As I watched the young men of University of Florida and UCLA battle it out on the court, I found myself hoping that they'd all end up winning with a marked change in culture's warped view of masculinity.

The Fragmentation of Tube Culture

2006-04-03T12:47:00.000-04:00

In the Washington Times, Professor Robert Thompson, founder of Syracuse University's Center For the Study of Popular Television, describes an "ongoing fragmentation" as the biggest change in pop culture since he started studying it twenty-five years ago:

Movies, television and radio built the greatest consensus culture the world had ever seen. You had everybody feeding at the same cultural trough. Even the medieval Catholic Church didn't have this kind of grip.

I rejoice in this move away from a "uni-mind" generated by the culture of television. Let's put away our nostalgia; pop culture's narrow feeding trough of twenty years ago offered scant space for life-affirming Kingdom fare on the tube. Despite the disturbing violence and degradation of human sexuality that's on-screen now, our kids are also starting to have access to more wholesome, valuable entertainment. Besides, if pop culture is starting to seem fragmented and full of contradictions to our kids, it might spur their generation to hunt beyond the vagaries of the day for lasting, eternal truths.

Easter is Elementary

2006-03-30T16:48:00.000-05:00

I made it all the way through the American public schools thinking that Easter was about a white bunny who gave candy and eggs to Christian kids and skipped over our house, just like that fat guy in a red suit who came in the winter. I didn't hear about Jesus' birth, life, crucifixion, and resurrection until I was in college. That's why I promised myself that every kid in my sons' public school classes would hear the truth of Easter and Christmas before entering middle school.

Every holiday season, I gathered books, songs and props, determined to visit the classroom and talk about why and how our family celebrates Jesus' birth, death and resurrection. But I'd always get the jitters. I knew had to walk a fine line because I didn't want to proselytize. "This is what we believe," I'd repeat. At the same time, I did want my listeners to grasp the message. Staying in balance took creativity and prayer.

One year, for example, I brought in a small wooden box. Asking the kids to identify a few symbols that represent certain holiday, I told them that eggs and bunnies didn't really have much to do with what our family believes about Easter.

"I have four better symbols inside this box," I said. Opening the box, I took out the small clay-brown baby Jesus from our nativity scene that had been crafted in Peru.

"That's the one you brought in at Christmas!" one kid shouted.

"You're right," I answered. "At Easter, we celebrate what happened to that Jewish baby when He grew up."

I told them about His love for the poor, His healing and His teaching. Next, I pulled out a thorn and described the beating and the taunting He endured. A piece of wood came out next, allowing me to explain His death on a cross. Because more than half the class was Jewish, I mentioned Passover to illuminate Jesus' sacrifice. And finally, I pulled out a stone and described Mary's experience at the empty tomb.

Despite my pre-classroom bout of nerves, I always left thrilled and thankful. As usual, my children's Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, and secular classmates sat spellbound, listening eagerly to the "old, old story." In the days and weeks after my visit, my sons faithfully did the hard work of following up, answering questions and telling a few more stories from the Bible.

One year, the principal showed up before my Christmas talk and sat in the back of the classroom. I guessed she was probably there to make sure I wasn't crossing any lines, and rightfully so. Thankfully, that was the year I brought in a book of poetry written by Langston Hughes. As I read a poem about the nativity aloud to the kids, I could see the emotion on the principal's face; the whole community knew she adored Langston Hughes. The school had just finished a weeklong focus on Hughes' poetry, but hadn't featured this beautiful, Christ-centered song of worship in their curriculum. Thanks to Langston Hughes' poem, I was able to share God's gift of love in Jesus with a class of 20 unchurched students, two teachers, and one principal.

Won't you approach your child's teacher this Easter and ask if you or your child can talk about what your family believes in her classroom? Tell her you'll do it respectfully; hopefully she knows and trusts you by now because you've been doing the hard work of prayerful, diplomatic service all year long. Besides, you and your children do have the right to talk about your faith in the schools -- check out all the resources from Gateways To Better Education. It's time to tell our nation's public school children the story of love that we celebrate in our families. So many of them will never hear it unless we do.

The Love Language of Gift-Giving

2006-03-29T10:44:00.000-05:00

Want to make your teen feel loved? Try reading Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages For Teens. This popular five-pronged approach to communicating love includes quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts. We gave our boys the short survey in the back of the book, and discovered that their primary love language is ... receiving gifts.

My heart sank. I am functionally illiterate when it comes to gift-giving. I hate shopping; I can't stand watching ads; and my specialty when it comes to parental nagging is droning on ad nauseum about the perils of materialism. Thankfully, Chapman tackles the issue of our culture's stuff-idolatry quite well in his chapter on giving and offers guidelines to avoid the trap of materialism. I found myself wondering, though, if Jesus ever gave gifts to his disciples. If so, how, when, why? I gleaned three tips from our Lord's gift-giving strategy that affirmed Chapman's teaching:

Lavish them occasionally with a no-strings-attached present. After a wearisome day of feeding a crowd of people, each of Jesus disciples walked away with a lavish gift-basket. Let's step away from the deeper theological meanings of those leftover bread chunks and think about how the gift of them made those hard-working, loyal guys feel. The disciples weren't working to earn their dinner -- they must have been overwhelmed and delighted by the unexpected meal. As Chapman points out, a true gift is never earned; that's the nature of the beast. For non-gift-givers like me, he offers the following advice:

It might help to ask yourself, "What is the last genuine gift I gave to my teenager?" Once you have the gift in mind, ask yourself, "Did I require anything of my teenager before I gave her the gift?" If so, then mark it off, because it wasn't a genuine gift. Start over and try to find the last gift you gave your teenager. Some parents will find it was last Christmas or the last birthday.

Transform a simple gift into a ceremonial event. During the Last Supper, we're told that Jesus had the room ready in advance, took a lot of time to wash his disciples' feet, and reclined and conversed with them at table before actually giving them the gifts of bread and wine. He planned the entire event to resonate with intimacy so that every time they saw the gifts they would feel and remember his love. Chapman says that "emotional messages are enhanced when attention is given to the ceremony accomanying the gift ... when we diminish the ceremony, we diminish the emotional power of the gift."

Wow them with the surprise factor. Your teens are working hard at school, and sometimes they feel as discouraged and exhausted as the disciples did in John 21:1-13. What a delight it must have been for them to catch sight of a fire flickering on the beach and smell freshly-caught fish cooking. If Jesus used the element of surprise in his gift-giving, why not try it ourselves? Download a song of encouragement and send it as an MP3 attachment to your daughter's email address, leave a cellophane-wrapped basket of fruit and nuts on your son's desk to discover when he trudges upstairs to do his homework, tuck a bag of Hershey's Kisses into her backpack with a love note. Surprising them with creative small gifts in their everyday schedule actually packs more emotional wallop than buying expensive, trendy big-day presents.

As a postscript, I couldn't help noticing that our Lord's gift-giving was strikingly food-and-company-oriented. I found this heartening, as the combo of food and fellowship is the one gift that speaks volumes of love to me. Note to the men in my life: Mother's Day is coming up. A fresh-cooked picnic breakfast on the beach sounds pretty good to me.